You can't tell from this picture, but she's sooo hot.
When a man goes out at night, 94.7% of the time, his intentions are to close on some late night love. If you aren’t a lame, you know better than to look for the future misses amongst the quick fixes that are these beautiful mistakes. When the odds of a girl puking are 4 to 5 because she’s been taking shots like Tony Montana at the end of Scarface, it just doesn’t make sense to put her into consideration for girlfriend status. This is why the super hot drunk chick at free tequila night is like a gift and a curse. You have to talk to her because she’s so hot and drunk. The work is 75% percent done to get in but the risk of being puked on range from SUPER HIGH to damn near Guaranteed. That means added clean up afterwards, super awkward morning after and almost a 100% guarantee that you won’t be able to respect her in the morning. (Sidenote: Whenever a female says “I bet I can out drink you” if you have any intention of fucking, please drop those expectations immediately. One of the two things will happen. 1) She gets too drunk to do anything or 2) You get too drunk to do anything. Nobody wins in this game. Avoid it like SARS.)4. Threesomes
It only works on TV. RIP John Ritter.
Sounds like fun but really all they’re only headaches. Usually, you only want one of the two but you can’t turn down the second girl if the first girl is down. It’s a shit load of work. Most of the time someone walks away unsatisfied. You put yourself at higher risk of injury. Complicated goodbyes afterwards or ridiculously uncomfortable sleeping situations. Trust me, not really worth it.3. Getting signed to Bad Boy
RIP Biggie.
See Loon, the Lox, Faith Evans, Total, Carl Thomas, Dream, Day 26, New Edition, Black Rob, Danity Kane, anybody who has ever been on Making the Band’s 18 seasons, Craig Mack, Cherri Dennis, Cassie… Did I get everybody?... wait 112, Mase, Shyne, G-Dep.G-Dep released his only album on Bad Boy in 2001. Got arrested for fucking up a T-Mobile display in 2007 and his bail was $750. He had to stay on Riker’s Island, New York Metropolitan Area prison, for a month because he couldn’t come up with the money. This guy’s music made the Harlem Shake like the most popular dance for like 2 years and 6 years later he can’t even come up with $750. You mean to tell me Diddy couldn’t hold him down. I don’t believe in God but Diddy is the Anti-Christ. If you have any talent and Diddy come’s a callin’ RUN IN THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION.
2. Super Fat Asses
....I'll pass
I may catch some flack for this, but sometimes it’s just too much. It’s VERY RARE that it looks good out the pants. I prefer you fill up your jeans but you don’t have to be ridiculous. The waist to ass ratio is WAY more important.1.Working with your side piece/ bed friend
Damn it... I can't say I'm working late!
I think it’s understood in just about EVERY single work place that fraternizing with co-workers is 99.9% is a bad idea. No one follows these rules. Being single and mutual attraction in the work place will breed some form of tension. Well, you don’t really have to be single but again I digress. At just about every gym I worked at, fraternizing with someone you worked with was a way of life. And with the girls we were hiring, it was a life that I truly loved. We hired this one girl who was simply stunning. When I interviewed her, her boyfriend dropped her off so I didn’t foresee us doing anything really. After about maybe 2 weeks of random flirting and play fighting and jokes about me never going out, she convinced me to go out with her. (Sidenote #2: This is not a 100% guarantee, but if she play fights with you, she’s DTF{Down To Fuck}. It’s the second grader in every female. Sometimes it manifests itself in verbal sparring matches. So if she ALWAYS wants to argue with you, you probably can poke).Well I show up to her house and she isn’t ready. I’m not surprised. She says to give her a minute and to chill out on the couch. We’re talking as she’s changing in the other room. Quickly convinced to stay in and “watch a movie.” No one ever watches a movie and I am no exception. Life was lived. So I now had someone I could talk to, could have sex with regularly, and was discreet as well as relatively inexpensive. I thought I was living the “Miller High Life.” WRONG! WRONG!
She still had a boyfriend but we work together and we were ALWAYS THERE. It was like I was in a relationship w/o being in a relationship. We had lunch together everyday. I couldn’t talk to any other girls without her getting jealous. We had a great physical relationship and because we were around each other so much we built up a flaky emotional one as well. I admit I was lame and kinda semi caught feelings. Fuck around and chill with someone enough in any situation and that’s bound to happen. I eventually quit her after several stupid incidents. I was being investigated and interrogated by her man. She was not subtle at all and EVERYONE was in my business. I couldn’t talk to anyone else while she was there. It super sucked when I hired someone better looking who came with less baggage. I ended up having to pull strings to get her transferred. She told her boyfriend and he wanted to fight me. It was a nightmare. It was like Days of Our Lives meets General Hospital meets a Spanish novella (Colombian women… need I say more).
When you have an office fling, especially that one where they're just a jumpoff, rule NUMERO UNO is don’t fuck with the Fidel CashFlow. In other words, don’t jeopardize the money. That is a cardinal sin. Kanye said it best “I don't know what's better, gettin laid or gettin paid/ I just know when I'm gettin one, the other's gettin away.” If ever you question which one should take precedent remember you can’t pay your phone bill with head.
