NO, I don't have any FUCKING change.

It was a random Sunday and I’m on the A train. I don’t remember why I was going down into the city but I would rue this day for the rest of my life. First distraction was a dude that looked like a black Merlin with a shopping cart full of bottles of liquor and/or piss. (Probably piss). He passes through asking for money for “potions.” All I could think was “Wow. That’s the best euphemism for crack that I’ve ever heard.” He almost got me to give him some loose change, but then I remembered I don’t support crack users. I’m not the music industry.

Then we get to 125th and my life changes forever. The train conductor comes on the intercom and says, “Sorry for the inconvenience, we’re being held at the station. We’ll be moving shortly. Fuck you” or something like that. A bum walks in from the opposite side of the train and he doesn’t have any shoes on. He’s mumbling and I’m talking to a friend, so I’m not really paying attention to what’s going on over there. Besides I just saw the black crack fiend Merlin. This day can’t get any weirder, right? WRONG!

The following was the most generous thing I’ve ever seen IMMEDIATELY followed by the most disgusting thing I’ve ever witnessed in person. This bums pants are super uber disgusting. They’re littered with coffee, grape juice, piss, beer, poop (literally) and of course crack stains. Yes, crack stains clothes. This Spanish lady pulls out a brand spanking new pair of Old Navy khakis out of an old navy bag and gives the man the pants. It was truly inspiring. Then that bum did something that would change my life forever.

He takes off his pants. He was not wearing underwear. The stench caused the baby in a stroller across from me to start crying immediately. He uses the old ratty pants to wipe the larger chunks of shit from his ass. This dudes NOT wearing anything below the waist throughout this. I don’t know if I can stress this enough. He sits on the floor of the train and proceeds to wipe his ass using the train floor like a dog. He’s literally making a streak of shit behind him as he hops up and down on the train floor. He gets up puts on the new pants and throws the old pants with shit on them onto the platform.

I couldn’t make a story like that up. I feel like I should have sued the MTA after that traumatic experience. But the sad fact is everyone deals with the pitfalls of the mass transit. Bums are the most prevalent offenders of my right to be an iPod blaring, book reading, jaded New Yorker but they aren’t the only problem.

Panhandling is super wild ultra annoying and illegal. I feel for people without places to go. That shit probably sucks super bad. But fuck you Mr. Crack Head extraordinaire for ruining my morning with your stench and shitty vocalizing. Fuck you little kids with your sambo-ish dancing and horribly uncoordinated lackluster performances. Fuck you random incoherent man because you're so high on the train from smoking all that crack cocaine then have the nerve to ask people for money with Jordans on your feet.

But the WORST of the FUCKING WORST are the MASS TRANSIT PREACHERS. FUCK YOU and everything you love. Spewing your lies and singing your songs in hopes to inspire when all people wanna do is think about their next fuck or drink that will happen after work. Fuck you for condemning me to a life of eternal damnation at 7:30am. BITCH I ain't even had coffee yet. FUCK YOU.