It was a random Sunday and I’m on the A train. I don’t remember why I was going down into the city but I would rue this day for the rest of my life. First distraction was a dude that looked like a black Merlin with a shopping cart full of bottles of liquor and/or piss. (Probably piss). He passes through asking for money for “potions.” All I could think was “Wow. That’s the best euphemism for crack that I’ve ever heard.” He almost got me to give him some loose change, but then I remembered I don’t support crack users. I’m not the music industry.
Then we get to 125th and my life changes forever. The train conductor comes on the intercom and says, “Sorry for the inconvenience, we’re being held at the station. We’ll be moving shortly. Fuck you” or something like that. A bum walks in from the opposite side of the train and he doesn’t have any shoes on. He’s mumbling and I’m talking to a friend, so I’m not really paying attention to what’s going on over there. Besides I just saw the black crack fiend Merlin. This day can’t get any weirder, right? WRONG!
The following was the most generous thing I’ve ever seen IMMEDIATELY followed by the most disgusting thing I’ve ever witnessed in person. This bums pants are super uber disgusting. They’re littered with coffee, grape juice, piss, beer, poop (literally) and of course crack stains. Yes, crack stains clothes. This Spanish lady pulls out a brand spanking new pair of Old Navy khakis out of an old navy bag and gives the man the pants. It was truly inspiring. Then that bum did something that would change my life forever.
He takes off his pants. He was not wearing underwear. The stench caused the baby in a stroller across from me to start crying immediately. He uses the old ratty pants to wipe the larger chunks of shit from his ass. This dudes NOT wearing anything below the waist throughout this. I don’t know if I can stress this enough. He sits on the floor of the train and proceeds to wipe his ass using the train floor like a dog. He’s literally making a streak of shit behind him as he hops up and down on the train floor. He gets up puts on the new pants and throws the old pants with shit on them onto the platform.
I couldn’t make a story like that up. I feel like I should have sued the MTA after that traumatic experience. But the sad fact is everyone deals with the pitfalls of the mass transit. Bums are the most prevalent offenders of my right to be an iPod blaring, book reading, jaded New Yorker but they aren’t the only problem.
Panhandling is super wild ultra annoying and illegal. I feel for people without places to go. That shit probably sucks super bad. But fuck you Mr. Crack Head extraordinaire for ruining my morning with your stench and shitty vocalizing. Fuck you little kids with your sambo-ish dancing and horribly uncoordinated lackluster performances. Fuck you random incoherent man because you're so high on the train from smoking all that crack cocaine then have the nerve to ask people for money with Jordans on your feet.
But the WORST of the FUCKING WORST are the MASS TRANSIT PREACHERS. FUCK YOU and everything you love. Spewing your lies and singing your songs in hopes to inspire when all people wanna do is think about their next fuck or drink that will happen after work. Fuck you for condemning me to a life of eternal damnation at 7:30am. BITCH I ain't even had coffee yet. FUCK YOU.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
You forgot to mention the Mexican mariachis. They are uber annoying, especially when you are listening to a good song and you have to compete with live music. You also forgot the pervs who like to masturbate while they look at you. This makes for a highly uncomfortable train ride, to say the least.
ReplyDeleteAs for the preachers, technically, they are not begging for money. They claim to simply want your attention. Whether you agree or disagree with their message is a different story.
As for the bums, I refuse to give them money. I refuse because I am more positive than a Maury’s baby’s mama, that my money would go to feed a crack habit. Can we agree to stop enabling the crackheads?
Well I am not going to lie. I did give money to the crack head that used be on the 1 and 9 train. If you took the train you know who he is. The black guy who thought he could sing in spanish and used to do MJ jokes. I found him funny enough to warrant some change. Even if it was for crack.
ReplyDeleteI can't believe this...I can not believe this...MAN! I thought DC transit was bad...
ReplyDeleteI'm kind of torn down the middle. On one side I truly do hate having to deal with certain types of people on a daily basis. Sometimes I just want to sit so I can quite simply zone out. Work is hard and realizing that you take that same monotonous train ride every day can be a mind destroyer.
ReplyDeleteHowever, everyone should take a second to realize the type of world that "zoning out" has phased them into. Where are the times when people used to talk on the train to each other or when we were excited to see a street performer. When tourists hit New York City they stare in awe at the diving and bouncing dancers. Their hearts weep when they see a homeless man asking for some change(even though we all know where that money is going). They sit and wait in the hope that they can catch that living statue move.
Leslie, you even commented that you hate having to compete with live music. These days how many times do we even get to listen to live music. Our world is a technological one and in an effort to stay connected via phones, faxes, PDAs, game systems, etc...we start to lose out on one on one interaction. It's sad that out of towners are brought closer together by the things we hate. They clap and talk to one another while we sit along with a sneer thinking, "What do they know. These performers, beggers, and idiots are just annoying."
I know I went a bit off on a tangent, but I can only wonder(and it applies to me as well)when did New Yorkers become so dead inside?
All I have to say is that this has made me never want to ride the subway again and extremely pissed off that the subway fare continues to go up.
ReplyDeleteBut in all fairness not all subway "entertainment" is horrible. I must agree that the guy on the 1 train signing in spanish and telling MJ jokes is pretty entertaining. So is the "ain't no joke for real we broke" couple from the A train. Although I haven't seen them together in a while.
lol I'm sure they make more money by splitting trains or maybe they divorced. Everyone is splitting up these days - why not the homeless as well...although I doubt it since they probably need the body heat.
ReplyDeleteThis was funny as hell. I needed a good laugh.
ReplyDeleteWaffles: I enjoy live music like the next person, but who are they to decide what music I should listen to? Joseph's rant all comes down to one basic idea: That your personal space and thoughts are invaded by panhandlers. The tourist might love it, but this is because they have the time to sit there and stare at something that is novelty to them.
ReplyDelete@leslie - lol when we are all on the train we don't have much to do at all. We all have the time to just sit there. I know i'm not busy. Also who has the right of way? You say personal space, but we are taking public transportation. If your good friend happened to be taking that same train would you think twice about talking to the individual or would you worry about invading your neighbor's "personal" space? Maybe the passenger doesn't want to smell that new perfume emanating off you. Maybe the flare of that new pink scarf is hurting the eyes of Mr. Wilkson sitting across the train.
ReplyDeleteGoing back to the friend example - What is more annoying to a person? Having to listen to someone talk about things you don't care about for large periods of time (10 stops for ex.) or having one beggar ask you for change for all of 10 seconds?
Now this I can appreciate...too many people be feeling sorry for bums. Nobody held a gun to their heads and said, smoke crack. Lets be REAL...feeling sorry for them is not gonna help them nor stop them from sucking glass dick.
ReplyDelete@Fresh I have to agree with you lol. I always felt that although things can be hard for people it's your fault if you give up. Smoke that crack and it's on you.
ReplyDeleteTHat was the most inspiring story ever....you left a mark on my heart just like the bumm left one on the train floor
ReplyDeleteomg that's gross, but i actually believe it. i once "interrupted" a bum taking a shit on the staircase at 168th. needless to say, i took the other staircase
ReplyDeleteomg i wanna high five you.......sooooooo hard
ReplyDeletelol
that was an amazing read.
I'm emailing this to a Cali friend, who does NOT understand my stories. (Your story is soooo much worse tho)