What is a BITCH like you to DO?

It was about 10 am on the Monday of Memorial Day weekend and I had just woken up at a friend’s house about a half hour bus ride away from home. It was the brightest day so far in the year, my retinas are burning. I had spent the past 2 nights at open bars and hadn’t had a decent meal in about 3 days due to overall drunken bad decision making. Fittingly, I’m waiting in front of the Monkey Room at the M4 bus stop to go home, feeling rock star standoffish and hung-over. In other words, my weekend was fucking awesome so far. I get a 3 text long mass text message from a number I don’t have saved in my phone. I had been trying to coordinate my schedule for the day and had been receiving texts since I woke up. This text is about some barbeque with a laundry list of shit needed. I read it then put my phone away. As I’m putting my phone away I received the same 3 text long message again so I call the number. The phone doesn’t ring and I hear the person’s voice message.

It’s someone who I was once friends with, in the past. He was the type of dude that if you’re friends with, you find yourself letting massive amounts of annoyances go. But I lost all respect for him and decided fucking with him was pure lamery. I told him back when we last spoke that I didn’t think he was worth the effort of being friends with anymore and stopped chilling with him. I made myself crystal clear with my words and actions that I no longer considered him a friend. I saved his number in my phone in order to know not to pick up if called and then put my phone away. No more than five minutes later, I receive another 3 message long mass text from this person (different message this time though but about the same barbeque). I respond to the text saying “Please don’t text me anymore.” Within that minute, I receive a text in response from the person saying “eat a fat dick.”

I was obviously livid. Like most people, I don’t like dealing with “bitch-ass-ery” or doing “bitch-ass-erous” things. But because I was already in the extra innings of an already legendary weekend, I made no attempt to contact the bitch right then and there. I had barbeque to eat and actual friends to hang with. The day went on normally and life was lived as if all was pretty much standard.

This bitch, however, is friends with a group of people who I’m friends with. I did not ask anyone to take sides but in the spirit of full disclosure, I told them of the exchange. When speaking to these people 1 on 1, I was told I was in the right and that the message I was sent was not justified. I don’t chill where he does nor did I plan to seek him out, but when I saw him, I would handle the situation accordingly.

Well maybe a week or 2 passes and for some reason I’m in the Heights and the group’s all together and he shows up. Immediately, I wanna confront the bitch about his text but out of respect for everyone I hold off on doing so. We go to the bar which is immediately behind the bus stop where I got the text and I feel horrible. It’s my nature to deal with every situation as soon as possible. I was uncomfortable for the sake of others who should have had my back in regards to the situation. I spent literally 15 minutes smoking cigarettes and having my best friend plead with me not to confront him at this time. His reasons were different but I still was not comfortable with saying nothing, doing nothing.

MJ gave up 2 Championships to give you this masterpiece.

I confronted the bitch about his statements and he was practically mum. I’ve never personally witnessed someone who was so fat act like such a bitch in my entire life. I shattered his argument verbally while calling him on all his bitch-ass tendencies with complete disregard for human life. All the text message thuggery amounted to nothing more than a pussy fat boy not being able to put two coherent sentences together. I was disappointed but I should have known better than expect anything different. Pussies will always be pussies.

Seriously... Seriously?

But is that a problem? No. I have several friends whom I consider very dear to my heart whom I wouldn’t call in a bind that required action because I know that’s not there forte. I’m not saying they’re bitches but it’s not what they do. I’m not the person you call when you want help baking a cake or translating ancient Aramaic or when trying to solve a nuclear crisis. I also don’t volunteer to fly space missions, crack the Da Vinci code or to moonlight as an opera singer. That’s not me. Being a bitch isn’t the problem…well it is, but the bigger issue is moonlighting as something you are not is.

History is littered with moonlighters. Ray Allen’s acting career is a testament to how great a director Spike Lee is because he is probably the worst basketball player actor of all time. Yes, I have seen Kazaam. Michael Jackson wanted to be a white person all his life, didn’t work out too well. When Mickey Rourke first hit the screen, he was a slated to be the next big heartthrob of Hollywood but turned to boxing (as well as a shit load drugs) and fucked up his face irreparably. Michael Jordan failed at baseball, ended up wasting a good 2 years of his prime. The only good thing to come of his baseball career was SPACE JAM. Classic. Jennifer Love Hewitt’s music career was as successful as the career of your average VH1 slut after “Flavor of Love.” But at the very least these people had a place in the world. As bad as Ron Artest, Shaqs and Allen Iverson’s rap careers were, does anyone but me remember Kobe’s career? You probably blocked it out.

What position should a bitch like the one described earlier hold? Answer, no one cares because you’re a bitch. But at the very least you can be yourself. More people would take you seriously.

Also, the internet is not a real place, so keeping it real via text message, facebook, myspace, twitter, MiGente, Blackplanet, AIM, ICQ, BBM, Smoke Signals or Morse Code is not the equivalent of being a man/woman and saying what you feel about someone to their face. This is America, land of the Free and home of the brave. Cursing someone out from the comfort of an electronic device at a safe distance is as brave as punching an infant. Grow a pair.

ANSWER ME!!!

I was randomly listening to Jadakiss’ second album the other day and heard that song with Anthony Hamilton. And it got me to asking a couple of questions myself.

Why doesn’t Victoria Secret have a weight limit to enter their store?

Why do dumb people always have an opinion but nothing to say?

Why can you predict which one of the girls in any crew is a hater before they even speak a word by looking at the waist to fat face ratio?

Quick! Pick out the Hater.

Why do you live in the projects but lease a Corvette?

What’s the deal with every black person taking credit for Obama when he’s half African and from Hawaii?

Why doesn’t anyone but me ever talk about how much Keanu Reeves sucks as an actor?

Why am I an atheist, but still think that there is a devil and he’s currently going by the name of P.Diddy?

Who do I have to kick in the nuts to make sure they don’t fuck up another X-Men or any Marvel character with a shitty movie?

Where is Jazz-O?

Who’s responsible for Karrine Steffans getting a SECOND book deal? Why is she a New York Bestselling author? What the fuck?

When did formally dating sluts become cool? Who was the first famous slut to be claimed? Pamela Anderson? Madonna?

What ever happened to all the Triple A boy bands of the 90s? O-Town? Everyone from 98degrees that didn’t marry Jessica Simpson? Take5?

One of the white boys had dreads and they STILL didn't make it.

Am I the only person who remembers how fun watching Star Search used to be and how American Idol is super lame in comparison?

Will quality sitcoms ever return to network television?

Who framed Roger Rabbit?

The 1st Crackhead Cartoon Character

Am I the only person who remembers that R.Kelly pissed on some girl on camera? Why does he have a new video out? Why does he have a new album coming out?

Why do we give Chris Brown a break for beating Rhianna but claim to be feminists and against violence for women?

What ever happened to the Muppet Babies? I used to love that shit.

Why doesn’t anyone really talk about how gay DMX is? His lyrics are all the evidence anyone truly needs.

Can you please tone down the prison sex references? PLEASE

Has enough time passed for us to start recognizing the obvious weirdness and chicanery that was the latter life of Michael Jackson?

Is it cool to remember this yet?

Where the fuck is Lou Diamond Phillips?

What movie was worse: Street Fighter (the first one with Jean Claude as the American Hero Guile) or the Super Mario Brothers Movie?

Jean is a fucking American!?

Who do I have to thank for there being less Celine Dion?

Are fake breasts an inflation of a girl?

Are you really waiting for Jesus to come back?

How many priest are touching little boys right now inappropriately? 15-20?

How scared are you for that little boy?

Did anyone buy Diddy’s last album? What was the name of that shit?

Is Philip Seymour Hoffman the greatest actor alive right now?

What cool fun shit will sanganos in general destroy and ruin this week?

These are just a few questions I thought of this morning while brushing my teeth after listening to Jada. Feel free to answer a few or send me one of yours.

It's your fault.

Where are all the good men?

I wanna start off by saying I have been avoiding answering this question because I think it’s a fairly dumb question asked by dumb women too self absorbed to look past themselves and see the real problem. If this first sentence offended you, now would be a good time to stop reading because though I love women, this will only get worse for you. I have never heard a man ask “where are all the good women?” in my life. You probably have not either. But women have asked me this question several times. The answer, considering the tone and content of my previous posts, is more likely to have me even more universally despised and possibly cause harm to my genitalia in comparison to anything I’ve written before. If you’re a dumb bitch, the following will anger you so just stop reading now… Seriously… I’ll wait…

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Ok, now that they’re, gone here’s the scoop. There are very very VERY few absolutes in life, but once you get to the point where you’re asking THIS question, 99.7486% of the time, the problem is you. You may have fallen victim to the traps of a lame or loser. You may have been a good girl to someone who didn’t treat you right. And yes that sucks. The fact that you’re asking this question makes it still you’re fault.

You struggled with someone for not weeks, not months, but most of the time, years knowing there was something about them that was gonna make this relationship as successful as teaching your average black man to not hit on fat white women and yet, you stayed and tried and worked and argued and stressed and became bitter. You left after you lingered too long or he deaded you or you deaded him or you stalemated like the Vietnam War and now you’re even more bitter. Now you’re looking for someone better and smarter who will treat you like the princess… no…fuck that, like the queen that you are who will be understanding of your standoffishness and the reason you have walls bigger than the ones in China. He has to be willing to deal with the fact that you trust people as much as a member of the average member KGB and still pursue you cause you’re so awesome. You want someone equal intellectually and goal oriented and faithful like a puppy and won’t play you like some dog. You want all that but will probably settle for the last guy who fucked you in hopes that he’s changed and if not him, then SOMEONE JUST LIKE HIM.

OMG I hate him... When's he coming back?

Now, the relationships you get involved in are tainted by your bad experience and by the bad advice you’ve gotten from other bitter bitches just as dumb in regards to the subject or at least just as big a failure as you are in the area of the opposite sex. Here are some questions for women who do dumb things that hinder their ability to look through the bullshit and be happy.

A. Why don’t you ever really work on correcting or at the very least checking and acknowledging your own flaws?

I DON'T HAVE A PROBLEM!

Some guy fucks you over. It was traumatic. All men are evil. Wait!? What? Did I miss something? Women are notorious for making sweeping generalizations on all men based on a bad experience, which was usually their fault, only to do the same shit over again. I’m not saying it’s your fault that the man you love is poking someone else. But if you didn’t see it coming, then you were with a liar/manipulator (rare case but still your fault) or you weren’t paying attention to the obvious signs being thrown your way. Being dumb is equal to being a statistic.

B. Why do you have “a type” and not a standard?

When a man who is not retarded wants to see how easy it will be to have sex with a girl, he asks her “what’s her type.” He half turns his ears off to all the emotional and intellectual traits, for the most part, and pays attention to the physical ones. The more attributes she lists, that you have as a man, the easier it will be to fuck her, fuck up and keep her lingering. This is a fact.

It’s human nature, not just a man’s nature, to get as much out of a situation while investing the least resources possible. So the next time you’re wondering why that guy just wanted to fuck, realize that he was thinking the same thing you were thinking when you took that drink from some guy at the bar. “He didn’t have to offer it to me.” True. You also didn’t have to offer it up to him. I will take whatever I can with the least amount of work, for the most part, everytime. I won’t bother putting in work if you ain’t worth shit or ain’t about shit. And that is how you’re probably coming off if you’re the type to ask, “where are all the good men.” Too much work; not worth the effort. And perception is reality when you first meet someone. How do we get this impression? From everything! How you’re dressed, how you speak and carry yourself, how fit you are, how you respond to their advances and your history…etc, etc, etc. Remember that you’re not the only one sizing up someone. The only difference with men is that you don’t have to pass all of a man’s tests to fuck.

C. Why do you focus on rules and milestones instead of allowing things to happen organically?

Women, who have rules like “He’s gotta take me out to dinner at least 3 times to get some” or some bullshit like that, are the EASIEST TO SMASH. You set yourself up for failure as soon as you measure a man’s potential by his ability to hit certain milestones. How much does “going out for a month” matter if you have nothing in common?

D. Why the fuck do you ask your single and “even less successful in relationships” friends for relationship advice?

She's literally been failing FOREVER

This is probably the main cause for your loneliness and failure. You have a question about a man, who you think might have potential, and you ask the biggest, most jaded, man-hater you know to evaluate him. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT MAKE SENSE!? It’s like asking your average crack head for medical advice. Actually the crack head might give you better advice in this case because experience counts for way more in the medical field.

Relationships are one of the few areas where LESS EXPERIENCE is usually a better thing. If you’re looking to another girlfriend for advice on men and she’s single and has been forever or is usually in relationships with lames, losers and scalliwags, then how dumb are you? They have been doing nothing but failing in this area and this is the person who is somehow gonna show you how to be successful in a relationship? Really!? Fuck no. They’re just gonna pass on a little bit more of the bitterness and probably add on a new expectation from men that you shouldn’t have and complicate an already difficult situation for you. They are quick fixes like plugging a crack in a dam with double mint gum but just as stupid. Anything they say should be burned out of your memory as soon as possible.

Know that you being single or settling for lames is a subconscious choice you have made. I mentioned earlier that I have never and you probably will never hear a straight man ask a question like this. You know why? Because the dumbest man knows that as soon as you make yourself worthy of something great, it will come and even if he doesn’t better himself, there’s a woman dumb enough to see a spark of potential and be willing to duke it out with him to see if it ever manifests, because she’s blind to the flaws. Open your eyes. And if you’re mad, I told all the dumb bitches to stop reading this a LONG time ago.

The Economics Of Jump-Offs

I’ve been on hiatus for a while. I would apologize, but I’ve been having fun and living life. I didn’t wanna neglect you guys for much longer so here is an actual question from the audience.

My boy Josh asked…

Why don’t jump offs play their position?

This is an excellent question by the way. Economics is the social science that studies the production, distribution, and consumption of goods and services. An economy is an orderly, functional arrangement of parts. The strength of an economy is its ability to maintain a balance between the production of good or service, the cost of service and consumer demand. Now, why am I telling you all this?

The advent of a large number of jump-offs attempting to change their status from an expendable good, used for certain “services,” to a commodity with an inflated value has been crippling the market. The needs to smash have never changed. The existence of jump-offs has pretty much stayed constant for years (thank you feminist movement for the up surge in recent years).

Her chest isn't the only thing that's over inflated in this pic?

But with the “rise in cost” and a decrease in value inflation has run rampant. The inflated value of jump-offs comes from many sources. Here are some of the major players.

1. The Advent of the Jump-Off Activists.
Women who were once used exclusively for their good looks, awesome assets and amazing…talents, started to demand respect and for some reason people started to give it to them. They wrote books. (Karrine Steffans is a New York Times Best Selling author. My only question is who deserves a swift kick in the nads for this. Any woman who bought this book for leisure should be sterilized.). They started speak out on the “atrocities” of being sluts.

The glasses are for... protect.

2. Trickin’ on Ho’s
Men started to not only pay for but acknowledge these women in public. You would have never seen JFK acknowledge Marilyn Monroe in public and hold her hand. But I’ve seen Kanye with that video ho for the past like 6 months wherever he goes.

Is this what's really good in the streets?

3. The Feminist Movement.
Not all women deserve to be empowered. You wouldn’t spend upwards of $200,000 on a piece of art for a baby to play with. This is the same reason you don’t try to instill “self respect in hos.” They wouldn’t know what to do with it so they’ll end up fucking up everything. They did a large amount of blame shifting from themselves onto men. We don’t make jump-offs. We find them that way.

So your average jump-off nowadays has a slew of “ho to housewife” examples to look up to and has taken to the bars and clubs looking for those willing to pay to play. Back in the day prominent men were known to smash these women and never associate with them in public. We all know JFK smashed Marilyn Monroe but do you have any picture of him holding her hand or some shit? No. Why? Because that shit ain’t cool. They want that “late night love” to translate into a romance like Julia Roberts in that movie where she was a prostitute. We must tell these “Pretty Woman” wannabes to fallback and know their roles. We need to protest these prominent men who are wifing these jump-offs. Kanye with whoever that shaved head chick is, anyone who openly dates Pamela Anderson, Paris Hilton or a Kardashian for that matter. We must realize that these are not people to look up to but shun. Putting Jump-offs in their place is the only way we can take back our economy.