Fucking Posers...

I’m not the only hater on the block and I love sharing the limelight with friends. TODAY we have a special guest hater. Introduce yourself to the masses.

Jose: greetings to all the ladies, gentlemen, trannies, midgets, and even you couple of sanganos in the background...
the name's jose, old friend and fellow hatemonger to your regularly-scheduled truth-spitter, joseph.
me: You're too kind.
well today's topic is posers
nowadays having ever passed a bum on the street, seen a 50 cent video or once shared a table in college while drunk with a black person wearing a durag makes u ghetto
this is the select group i feel deserve a big bat to the face

Jose: you mean motherfuckers that are actually from new canaan, connecticut but because they picked up a half-ounce of weed once from the dirtiest slum imaginable in white plains, new york think that they're on hood status?
you can't really pimp in a prius, now can you?


me: lol
i've seen it attempted but the worst of bitches ride with these dudes
like your looking at some fat bitches with sweat marks under there tits with fat asses

Jose: i heard that you can find special prizes under those chicks' rolls, like some hidden legend of zelda type shit. scrolls and maps to hidden treasure.
but on the realness, the reason the worst of bitches ride with those dudes is that the worst of bitches enjoy the thin veneer of danger that comes with a McGangsta.

me: do you mean the "Let's go to the projects of Newark to get weed or watever and act as if everyone has a gun and wants to kill us" when really you're on a college campus 2miles away and everyone there doesn't give a fuck about you.
What's the worst type of poser?

Jose: In my opinion
the type of poser I hate the most is of the Can'tye Dress't variety
I'm talking about dudes and chicks that three years ago thought that Rocawear was the epicness and made fun of any dude wearing jeans that fit or any chick that didn't tuck her three-sizes-too-small denim into jordans but now get mad beast and layer on everything they can buy from urban outfitters.


me: COMPLETELY CONCUR
Last year they wore 4XL Tees and and now theyre rocking SMEDIUM tees and fitted plaid shorts. I'm all for people growing in style but they don't even looking comfortable rocking their express skinny jeans and the worse is they start rocking colors they never wore
Jose: EXACTLY
me: like green jeans and purple v-necks
fuck you
Jose: Bitch, if the most adventurous you ever got was rocking a red fitted instead of a blue one with your blue tee and blue timbs, what makes you think you're going to do a good job of dressing yourself in multiple colors?
Got people looking like Atlantic City signs that need repair, walking up and down the streets.
Stop fucking with neon, people.
me: PLEASE now that its acceptable to rock purple DOESNT MEAN YOU ONLY ROCK PURPLE everything and try making your jordans fit
FUCK... and then they act like they were always on it
"oh yeah. I been rocking these colors" while photographic evidence shows they havent worn anything other than black or brown since 1998

Jose: Besides the fact that at the end of the day, these kids all love to rep the 80s mad hard... "oh im an 80s baby"... you know, im really sorry you cant forge your own identity, but THAT DECADE ENDED.
Miami Vice is not on the air, freestyle is not what they're playing in the club, and you need to check your Ray-Bans at the door please.

me: looking like Mars Blackmon cousin and shit. Go practice some safe sex and fuck yourself

Jose: Hahaha the shit that gets me though is that they automatically get mad gassed on themselves and think theyre the hottest shit ever
And I attribute this entirely to one man, as named in my name for this type of poser... apologies to all the Kanye fans, but he's ruined black people.
Specifically by inspiring them to dress like rejects from some niggerfied version of Back to the Future and by making them think that if their ego isnt the size of the motherland that they're not living
right.

me: ROTFLMAO
I don't think it was only him tho
this is a by product of the skateboard culture into "hip hop"
Jose: Definitely the other co-conspirator here.
me: but instead of being more like terry kennedy niggas wanted to become spacejam meets the killers
Jose: in other words, niggaz wanted to not be niggers and instead tried to be gay astronauts.
me: ..... pretty much
Jose: What's funny to me is that black people have been skating since wheels hit the pavement, dig?
It was never exclusively a white thing
me: I know
i saw "kids"
lol
Jose: Hahaha
So again it all doubles back to these ignorant motherfuckers, who used to make fun of any soy sauce colored cat on a deck with wheels, who then ran out to their local skate shop and bought a deck and just MATCHED THAT SHIT TO THEIR NIKES

me: Mind you i rock Nike SB's and I have been rocking them since 2005 but nowadays you see these man-pirates raiding skate shops looking for kicks that i had 4 years ago and putting it together with a Fonsworth Bentley-esque bowtie
those who do this, find your nearest cliff and toss yourself off of it


Jose: Better yet, since you're apparently a victim of the unofficial Every Child Left Behind Act initiated by crack-addicted parents during your favorite bygone era, do us all a favor and track down your mom
cuz I wanna ask the bitch how in the world she let your dad nut in her belly, and why she didnt abort you.
On some level, I thank you for stimulating on the economy, but on the other hand, I hope someone scuffs your precious kicks on the subway.

me: The worse part, besides the overall retinal deterioration, is the smugness of these man-servant wannabes or worse, they call themselves gangster
let me get this straight, you're currently wearing a v neck that reaches your diaphragm and lime pants that if u saw yourself 3 years ago, you would fuck yourself up, NOW, now you're gangster?
slashing your wrist is the least you can do for the rest of man kind
Jose: Reminds me of a good story
And one that brings us full circle
So basically, I'm at this party talking shit with some friends, and two people in particular catch our eye
one is a blatantly homosexual white dude wearing a tight-ish white tee and some jeans, some Nikes, and a fitted. Said gaydude has a teardrop tattoo that me and my peoples were speculating was fake.
On the other hand, we had a substantially taller black kid decked out in box-fresh kicks, crisp jeans, his illest graphic tee, a purple bandana around his neck, and neon shades on, and he was there
with his own little crew of rainbow turds.
me: ahh the new age teenage mutant asshole turtles
Jose: Precisely.
So anyway, Donatello and crew must've been talking shit because all of a sudden, gay dude breaks the conversation he's having and starts to mean mug the black kids so hard that you could see the daggers flying out of his eyes at them...
and once they figured out they'd been heard, they started mean mugging back.
Now, in any typical situation, you'd expect this boy booty-raiding white boy to get handed his head, but please bear in mind, we're talking about the posers here
Gay dude cracks his beer bottle on a table nearby and takes a swipe at Donatello's face, leaving him with a delightfully executed slice right across his cheek
me: flamboyant fighter
Jose: At this point, the bag of M&Ms and their freshly-shaved friend freak the fuck out and leave the place faster than you could say "H&M Sale".
And, as I found out from a friend of mine later that evening, the violent homo in question had actually done a bid for manslaughter and was not to be fucked with on any basis, ever, if you enjoy breathing
air.
So, moral of the story is, stop fucking fronting. Books ARE supposed to be judged by the cover, and if the way you present yourself to the world doesnt jive with who you are behind that facade, you will get your fucking wig pushed back by queer killers.

me: The most disrespected person should be the person who's knowledge of self is about as confusing as the labels and color combinations they put together. They're lack of style is only made
worse by they're complete lack of originality and culture. Because if they had any they'd be too ashamed to be seen wearing the lamery they considered credible clothing. More important than the clothes is the lack of heart. Get it right america.
Jose: Seriously. Stop teabagging my life with your lameness.

TOP 5 COCK BLOCKERS of ALL TIME

5. AC Slater

Everyone knew Zack was bound to smash Kelly Kapowski from day one. Those two seasons or so when he competed HARD for her were the reasons he won “Hater of the Year” in 1990.

4. TMZ

Think of the greats who have had there money train derailed by the tabloids. Kevin Federline, though he wasn’t the first but probably the highest profile rags to “digging out cash so please don’t fuck this up for me” of the decade. Someone owes Stedman Graham a cool BILLION dollars of that Oprah. Think of all the would-be husbands of Liza Minnelli or Cher or Elizabeth Taylor. All those potential “ho to housewife” stories we missed out on are because of tabloids.

3. The Catholic Church

Quite possibly the largest conglomerate of cock blockers ever assembled, they’re notorious for denouncing anything fun or entertaining that's ever been contemplated. Technically, any sex other than that performed in the missionary position by a married couple minus all forms of pleasure condemns you to an eternity in a Lake of Fire. That means “heaven” is NO PLACE I want to be. Seriously speaking though, the church is sexual repression in its most organized form. They’ve been giving would be slides excuses to not smash since… well Constantine.

2. The Clingy Ex- Girlfriends

It’s over. We no longer speak. We haven’t touched each other in months but you feel like we have unfinished business whenever someone else is showing me love. Really? Very original asshole. Why is it that you feel we need to talk when she’s sitting on my lap?

1. The D.U.F.F.

When I was working at a gym in Houston, my life revolved around flirting with the new members. There was one in particular that I hit it off with almost immediately. Since Houston was still a semi-foreign country to me, she invited me to go drinking with some of her friends. Southern hospitality is the shit by the way. I recruited a wing man and we both drove over to a bar in downtown Houston. We get there a bit late and the girls have been drinking for a while now.

There were 3 of them, the young lady I was speaking to and her roommates. I don’t remember their names but there was a cute one and the “not so cute at all” one. (Side note: What’s with there always being one not so attractive friend amongst a group of overall hot friends? Is there like a quota that every group of friends has to fill like they regularly get investigated by the NAACP for discrimination? Why is it that this friend always has the most influence? Why do they always feel more important than everyone else? They are always the ones saying shit like “I’m hungry.” or “This party is wack.” or “My feet hurt, when are we leaving?” At the same time, we outsiders can’t piece together why the fuck they’re there in the first place. Also, the reverse happens a lot where there are a shit load of fugly chicks in a crew and one extremely smoking hot friend, but I digress) Well our “not so cute friend” commences to drink as if the elixir for her “ugly ills” is in each shot of patron. I’m watching the carnage unfold hoping and praying she has an extra liver or that the excess weight gives her an ability to metabolize liquor faster so she doesn’t ruin the evening. I learned on this night, there was no god.

Despite the now drunk ugly fat friend (commonly known as the DUFF), we were all having a good time. I was definitely getting the “this night will probably end in a sex” symbols. My boy is getting love from the cuter friend (who shall be referred to as CF for the duration of this post).The DUFF is even getting play by the bar. That is, of course, until she throws up. The ladies quickly run to her rescue while the bartender orders her out and I begin to prepare for the worst.

They all live together and thankfully the DUFF didn’t drive, so they throw her in their car and tell us to follow them. The plan being once we get there we “figure out what to do next” which translates to “this is your chance to smash it out the frame.” We get to the apartment and there are 3 bedrooms. SUCCESS. We walk in and I chill on the couch. The girl I'm talking with is in the bathroom with the DUFF holding her head as she throws up; my boy and CF exit stage left to her room. Half hour later, the DUFF is led to her room where she is put to bed. My girl comes into the living room and apologizes. I say it’s cool, glad I could chill with her blah blah blah. We start to make out, make it to her room, close the door and right as my shirt comes off KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK at the door. It’s the DUFF’s drunk-ass talking about there are demons in her room because she hears howling. It was actually my boy and CF. We both assure her that there are no demons and tell her to go to bed. Then she asks for water. So my girl brings her water to her room and closes the door. She comes back to the room and we start up again and again KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK at the door. This time Chantel’s doesn’t stop, I don’t either. That is, course of, until we smell the wretched stench of vomit. The floor was wall to wall carpeting, by the way. My girl puts on some clothes opens the door and accidentally hits the DUFF in the face with the door. The DUFF starts to cry and I spend the rest of the night helping this girl clean up the puke by her door.

Thomas Jefferson, author of the Declaration of Independence wrote, “We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.” The reason why cock blockers suck so bad is because they impede on all the above. I should have the liberty in this life to the pursuit of what makes me happy. You blocking my happiness, impedes on the rights granted to me not just because I’m an American, but as a citizen of the world. We as a nation, determined to live the lives our forefathers intended, minus the whole slavery thing, must stand up and say NO MORE will we allow you drunk bitches to fuck up our nights. NO MORE will we allow you former lovers to keep the “P out of the V” because you can’t stand to see someone else happy. NO MORE will pseudo religious, ritualistic sexual repressions keep you from knocking any boots. NO MORE will the throngs of haters looking to change the perspective of your naïve, yet rich lover be successful and banish you to VH1 reality stardom… And oh yeah, FUCK AC SLATER.

Ask An Asshole. Part 2. Fucking Friends.

Once again, I’m answering the questions America wants answered. This one is from an anonymous woman with a question I almost didn’t wanna answer at first because it was about one’s of the types of people I hate, the overly dramatic, irrational bitch. (Side note: Bitch is not exclusively in reference to females. There are shit load of bitch ass dudes out there who are suckers for drama and chicanery.)

Anonymous Questioner:

What do I do if my best friend's boo (not boyfriend, just boo) is trying to holla? I'm not interested at all, I actually find him kind of disgusting but she’s the type to over react and not think before she destroys the city. For example, if I tell her, she’s gonna make a big scene and tell everyone about the situation, but she wont really address the situation itself. It makes no sense but that’s her. I just wanna avoid drama, and avoid him. Not to mention the fact that she’s my best friend, I would never do that with any of her boos or ex’s. What should I do?

My Answer:

Lasting relationships are built on trust. If there’s any future in any relationship, whether it’s an average friendship, boyfriend/girlfriend, marriage or that person you call at 3am to lay some late night love on you, it’s based on some level of trust. The more serious the relationship, the more trust is needed. I’m assuming by “boo” that you mean they’re cool, they fuck and they are avoiding titles and it’s not an exclusive situation. This pseudo relationship is based on mutual attraction, probably a subconscious hope that eventually they will grow into something and the knowledge that you can fuck. This means it will undoubtly end in failure. That means the more important relationship to most of the parties involved is that of the one between you and the BFF. Honesty is the best policy in my book. I would wanna know this type of shit so I wouldn’t associate with that person anymore. Then again, I wouldn’t put myself in that situation where I would be dealing with a skeezer like that, but everyone fucks up once in a while.

One thing that is troubling is the fact that you KNOW she’s gonna blow things out of proportion and spazz on you. If you can’t be real with your best friend, then how is this person your best friend? The failure-ness of this situation is fucking epic. And that aside, why would she spazz on you if it’s true? Valuing friendships are important but just as important is evaluating them to make sure they’re worth while.

If you can’t truly be yourself or if there’s a quality in someone you can’t stand, no matter how long you’ve known them, you have to evaluate people on it. At the very least take into consideration what you want out of a friend. You say you wanna avoid drama but she’s gonna pull a “Flavor of Love” type tirade if you tell her the truth. That would be a “Las Vegas Wedding Chapel Starring Elvis Presley” sized indication that this bitch is a drama queen. If you’re really trying to avoid the drama, start by avoiding the dramatic. It’s science.

Ask an Asshole, and you might learn some shit.

I've been told I have a pretty interesting point of view. I’ve also been told that I’m an asshole. Because I don’t wanna be pigeon-holed into the “he’s just a fucking hater” category, I’m starting a segment called “Ask an Asshole.” You can send your questions and I’ll answer them in the Most Honest Fashion ever, if I find it relatively entertaining or important. Don’t be mad if I shit on you though. It’s in my nature. My boy Chuck asked the following…

"When did it become cool to accept the mediocre and hate the exceptional?"

Answer.

2 things happened. The mediocre became acceptable when the hood became the end all be all of happiness in popular culture. The hood is by far the EASIEST place to find and keep a niche. May not be the safest place, but once you're in, you're in. There's no real work to it. There's no real test to it. So people had nothing to do but settle. And when you settle, you end up with mediocre shit. That's why you see lames rocking remakes of remakes of remakes of Jordans. That's why you see talentless lames on television day in and day out. (Seriously, WHAT THE FUCK IS "New York Goes to Work." Someone on VH1 deserves a fucking slap)

The 2nd thing that happened was fucking sanganos. They were cool for a sec because women in general started looking for "someone who's sensitive" but stopped weeding out the bitch niggas like they was supposed to. So young niggas at a crossroad saw sanganos getting bitches. These youngins began looking up to sanganos. And these sanganos had less charisma than those that came before them, plus they grew up in the age of Katt Williams, so they were aspiring haters. The problem was that they didn't hate on shit that they should have (bitch niggas, bitch ass niggas, tricks, marks, mark ass tricks and trick ass marks). They hated on those with style cause they didn't have any. They hated on those who got the better breed of women cause they were relegated to hoes and leftover loser bitches. They hated those with money cause they didn't have the talent to get it on their own. They were the majority in size but the minority in anything that mattered, so anything that did matter became hated. The exceptional was rejected. And America suffers today for it.

Thanks for the question Chuck. Remember to submit your general questions in the comment section and I’ll get back to you as soon as…well whenever I feel like it.

Whats wrong with YOU people? And yes that's exactly how I meant it?

Whenever I go back to the Bronx, I know exactly what to expect. Yet and still, I am surprised every single time. I get on the 6 train with the suits and yuppies on 33rd, get off at 138th and immediately I’m greeted by panhandlers and random teens trying to sell me weed. I get to the park and I’m sitting there waiting for my friend. There’s a BBQ going on with a Black family. Boom box was blasting some Soulja Boy song. I didn’t pay attention at first until I noticed a grandma doing the Superman with her grandson. It was random because she was like maybe 41 at the OLDEST and he was like 7-8 years old. Then Lil’ Wayne’s “Lollipop” came on. Now the right thing for this grandmother to do would be to walk away. She proceeds to allow this little kid to grind on her. Now, she had a drink brown bagged and she wasn’t to steady on her feet, so she most likely was drunk…but come the fuck on. Worst part is that the rest of the guests were cheering them on. The only thing I could think of was a phrase I heard my best friend say, “I’m not saying all black people are coons, but these niggas right here are fucking coons.” As my friend was walking into the park, a fight broke out so we left. As the cops ran into the park I heard someone yell, “This ‘zactly why we can’t have nuthin’.” She was right.

Ghetto people are why I avoid watching the news, no matter what the topic is. From stock market crashes, civil unrest in a 3rd world country, to the death of a pop legend from Japan, TV crews always happen to find that one uneducated, ghetto person. You know exactly who I’m talking about. That one person out in the streets who has absolutely no sense of the meaning of the event, why the event is historically relevant, no meaningful opinion and absolutely no business speaking to the world in any way, shape or form because they’re fucking failures. Sometimes the newscaster attempts to keep them from embarrassing themselves and doesn’t even talk to anyone, but there’s some random ass dummy in the background throwing up gang signs, waving a baby (not necessarily his baby) or on a cell phone calling someone to tell them they’re on TV. Meanwhile, it’s 2pm and you out in the street not doing shit cause you ain’t got no job and you waving on tv like a fucking sambo. FUCK YOU GHETTO PEOPLE ON TV.

Everyone knows at least 1 person who goes by the code of “Fuck it! I can’t deny who I is or where’s I’m from. I’m ghetto nigga. Thug Life! Fuck You. Take That Take That!” This is the person you may have been really close to back in the day before you had any form of life education and realized there were classier places to eat than Applebee’s on 42nd. Usually they are a person who could have had some sense but won’t let go of an ideal that SHOULD be beneath them. The problem with them is not where they come from, but what they refuse to let go (Hood tendencies that are fucking pointless). Here are a few reasons why I hate you.

1. Ghetto people always wear clothes that don’t fit. Men usually wear shit that’s too big and women don’t wear enough clothes.
2. Ghetto people fry too much food and fry food too much.
3. Ghetto heroes are people who just shouldn’t be heroes. Why are kids looking up to Scarface and rappers destined to be, if not already, bankrupt?
4. Ghetto people don’t learn from their mistakes. You’re on your 3rd baby daddy, and you still haven’t learned that condoms are the way to go? Really?
5. Ghetto literature is the worst. You can’t tell me that The Coldest Winter Ever and Homo Thug are quality American literature.
6. Ghetto people always feel like they’re entitled to shit. That’s why I don’t go to hood hospitals. I refuse to wait in a room with some niggas demanding shit they will never pay for.
7. Ghetto women are always too fucking loud.

Here’s something I don’t get about ghetto females. So you basically refuse to learn or, at the very least, utilize any form of the intelligence or knowledge you claim to have to fuel your conversation, but you always have something to say. So when you’re on the 2 train on your way to the club or wherever you plan on acquiring your next baby daddy, why do you have so much to say? Is the Tyra Banks Show or the latest episode of College Hill really all that important? Do you aspire to be on Maury? How does that make you cool?




Vernacular makes every conversation more interesting. People from certain parts of Boston have an accent that I find annoying but that is undeniably entertaining. I have a flair for vernacular myself but I am able to speak in the most universal form of the English language, which is simply proper English. This is not “talking white” and to use that phrase is to say, whether you intend to or not, that “dem big word’s ain’t fo me yo. I’ms not smart nuff fo dat.” That may be acceptable for you but for us non-idiots, not so much. If you don’t possess the will to thrive in any other area then where you are from, if you’re not trying to work with the world and think only of where you’re from, you aren’t going anywhere. It’s not selling out to get smarter and become universal, it’s called growing the fuck up.

Ghetto clubs are undeniably the worst though, narrowly beating out BET. How so, you ask? Is there anything worse than being in a place that you just paid 30 bucks to get into and got forced to wear shoes when about 20 other people just walked in with scuffed up Timbs? You’re outside waiting for like a half hour to get into a place with highly over priced drinks, scandalous sluts with no personality waiting to pounce on anyone with a car or willing to buy them a drink, and a guaranteed temperature somewhere around 116 degrees Celsius. You get ice grilled from the time you walk in until the time you walk out and the night will undoubtedly end early because a fight WILL BREAK OUT.

You should never be ashamed of where you come from. And you should never be afraid to be who you truly are. But you acknowledging where you come from should NEVER keep you from where you want to be. And if you wanna remain downtrodden and misused, that’s exactly what you deserve. Complaining about the atrocities of an existence where everyday is a struggle is retarded when you long for that type of surrounding anyway. There’s nothing pretty about little kids smoking or singing songs that they don’t understand. Stop being sambos, ghetto America. Your kids will thank you later. 1

What the fuck is a SANGANO?

So, I’m at this bar chilling out with my drink minding my own business. It’s the bartender’s birthday so there’s a contest to win free shots. Guess her age correctly and the shots are on her. If you guess incorrectly, you’re paying for yours and hers. Needless to say, the bartenders a little drunk but the patrons…are wasted. There’s a guy there who just won’t stop guessing the same incorrect age. They’re both taking the shots and he’s done. Destroyed. Fucked up. On the verge of a Hindenburg. She cuts him off from anymore alcohol and cracks a few jokes on his stumbling and his failed attempt to hook up with anyone at the bar. He just sits there looking as if he were about to throw up. After a while, he calls the bartender over and says to her, “You’re the most beautiful thing I’ve seened. I hope who ever gets the chance to gets with you truly appreciates you cause you sure are beautiful.” Now she wasn’t a fucking wreck of a woman. But she was no supermodel. She spent the last 10 minutes berating him, he doesn’t know her, but he is singing her praises. He basically paid FOR A BARTENDER to get drunk AT HER JOB and went home alone to violate himself properly. This guy was clearly a fucking sangano.


Ladies, do you have that male friend who hangs out just to hang out? The guy that goes dancing with you just to go dancing? Is he that super safe friend who you can trust won’t ever try anything? And even if he did, you could reject him and know that he would still love you forever? Is he that guy who buys gifts and flowers before the first date? That guy that is always willing to go the extra mile for nothing? The builder of self-esteem where there should be none, the moral pillar that keeps you away from guys you’d normally talk to and the male shoulder you can always cry on if a normal guy you actually like causes you a little stress? Is he the occasional mistake (pity fuck) or the “voice of reason?” He’s your sangano and I HATE THAT GUY.

Now many of you may be confused by the term “sangano” and wonder what it means. The Urban Dictionary defines a sangano as “A person who is girlieish. A dolt, an idiot, a fool. One who is easily taken advantage of. A naïve individual.” We all usually have a love-hate relationship with sanganos because they’re entertaining to a degree. Their fuck ups are classic. They’re aspirations are normal, noble most of the time, and they’re simple people.

So what’s wrong with sanganos, you may ask?

Inflation is a bitch in any economy. Webster's Dictionary defines inflation as “a continuing rise in the general price level usually attributed to an increase in the volume of money and credit relative to available goods and services.” SANGANOS, stop paying for free pussy, ESPECIALLY HOES. Infusing hoes with a false sense of self worth because “dudes is buying her drinks at da bar” is wrong. Seriously wrong. I don’t care what ANYONE says. Whether you’re a 16 year old with no bills and a job or a 90 year oil tycoon with millions, YES it is trickin’! EVEN IF YOU GOT IT! Most of the times, you sanganos save up paychecks to take these scandalous skeezers to shop, for dinner, or for whatever you lames think will open up her heart to you. HOES ARE FREE. THAT’S WHY THEY’RE HOES. STOP FUCKING UP THE MARKET.

Guys, you ever walk up to a girl who was clearly a 4 and realized that for some reason she was under the impression that she was a 10+? Sanganos are the reason why we got hoes nowadays demanding shit like respect and to be taken out and acknowledgement of their existence in public. Back in the good old days, a McChicken and an open crib sufficed. This was the America I loved.

Most of you are wondering. “Wow, how do I know if some is a sangano?” or “Am I a sangano, myself?” Here are some symptoms of sanganosis.

1. Sanganos are the first to arrive and last to leave.
2. Sanganos love the help. (Strippers. Shot Girls. Waitresses. Bartenders. Hostesses…)
3. Sanganos have 138 female friends and haven’t had a girlfriend in 3 years… if ever.
4. Sanganos always offer unsolicited advice. Following this advice will lead your demise socially 98.4% of the time.
5. Sanganos always wanna know how they look but never REALLY wanna know the answer.
6. Sanganos cry. Uber emotional about shit they shouldn’t be emotional about (mostly women).
7. Sanganos love strobe lights. I don’t get it.
8. Sanganos will try ANYTHING to get a girl.
9. Sanganos have “types” but very low standards. (mustaches, fucked up teeth, beer bellies accepted...)
10. Cock blocking is EXCLUSIVE SANGANO ACTIVITY.

Cock-blocking is a cardinal sin but it’s the “Go To” play of 97% percent of sanganos. Now not all sanganos are cock-blockers but every cock blocker is a fucking sangano. Their thirst for attention is insatiable. They’re always showing out and dancing harder than a coked-up raver in a Brooklyn basement. This is the sangano’s mating call. It’s his attempt to show dominance in an area, but most of the time he comes off looking uber gay or super aggressive.

Let’s combat the problem at its source, America. Stop allowing sangano activity to go unchecked. Whether it be friend, foe or even yourself. No, you don’t have to buy her a drink. Yes, you can split the check. No, she’s not the most beautiful thing you’ve ever seen and if so you’re dumb enough to think so right now, at least stop and wait ‘til you’ve known this chick for a little more than 14 minutes.

And women, you don’t have to accept the drinks, the dinners, or the gifts. No, you don’t need to give that male friend the comfort of companionship as a substitute for a real relationship. No he’s not an alternative point of view or the voice of reason. He’s a sangano. He’s just rehashing your point of view in hopes you see how much he loves you so he can fuck you. And yes, he really wants to fuck you. Blame yourself for the excessive texts and phone call and emails and smoke signals. You invited this when you allowed yourself to be cool with a fucking sangano.

NO, I don't have any FUCKING change.

It was a random Sunday and I’m on the A train. I don’t remember why I was going down into the city but I would rue this day for the rest of my life. First distraction was a dude that looked like a black Merlin with a shopping cart full of bottles of liquor and/or piss. (Probably piss). He passes through asking for money for “potions.” All I could think was “Wow. That’s the best euphemism for crack that I’ve ever heard.” He almost got me to give him some loose change, but then I remembered I don’t support crack users. I’m not the music industry.

Then we get to 125th and my life changes forever. The train conductor comes on the intercom and says, “Sorry for the inconvenience, we’re being held at the station. We’ll be moving shortly. Fuck you” or something like that. A bum walks in from the opposite side of the train and he doesn’t have any shoes on. He’s mumbling and I’m talking to a friend, so I’m not really paying attention to what’s going on over there. Besides I just saw the black crack fiend Merlin. This day can’t get any weirder, right? WRONG!

The following was the most generous thing I’ve ever seen IMMEDIATELY followed by the most disgusting thing I’ve ever witnessed in person. This bums pants are super uber disgusting. They’re littered with coffee, grape juice, piss, beer, poop (literally) and of course crack stains. Yes, crack stains clothes. This Spanish lady pulls out a brand spanking new pair of Old Navy khakis out of an old navy bag and gives the man the pants. It was truly inspiring. Then that bum did something that would change my life forever.

He takes off his pants. He was not wearing underwear. The stench caused the baby in a stroller across from me to start crying immediately. He uses the old ratty pants to wipe the larger chunks of shit from his ass. This dudes NOT wearing anything below the waist throughout this. I don’t know if I can stress this enough. He sits on the floor of the train and proceeds to wipe his ass using the train floor like a dog. He’s literally making a streak of shit behind him as he hops up and down on the train floor. He gets up puts on the new pants and throws the old pants with shit on them onto the platform.

I couldn’t make a story like that up. I feel like I should have sued the MTA after that traumatic experience. But the sad fact is everyone deals with the pitfalls of the mass transit. Bums are the most prevalent offenders of my right to be an iPod blaring, book reading, jaded New Yorker but they aren’t the only problem.

Panhandling is super wild ultra annoying and illegal. I feel for people without places to go. That shit probably sucks super bad. But fuck you Mr. Crack Head extraordinaire for ruining my morning with your stench and shitty vocalizing. Fuck you little kids with your sambo-ish dancing and horribly uncoordinated lackluster performances. Fuck you random incoherent man because you're so high on the train from smoking all that crack cocaine then have the nerve to ask people for money with Jordans on your feet.

But the WORST of the FUCKING WORST are the MASS TRANSIT PREACHERS. FUCK YOU and everything you love. Spewing your lies and singing your songs in hopes to inspire when all people wanna do is think about their next fuck or drink that will happen after work. Fuck you for condemning me to a life of eternal damnation at 7:30am. BITCH I ain't even had coffee yet. FUCK YOU.

Why is it OK that you're Huge, Ms. Big Girl?

I do not care what euphemism you use. Big boned. Plump. Full figured. You are NOT cute or better because you're big. NO. No you're not. NO.

I wanna start off by saying I am in no way a fan of the Keira Knightly, Lara Flynn Boyle, Mid to Late 2000s Cameron Diaz style of woman who look like they’re allergic to meal portions that don’t fit in a crack vile or can’t be snorted. Not saying that any of these women do coke or are opposed to eating, but if I told you that any one of them did coke or was opposed to eating, would that really be a big surprise?

That being said I can’t stand an over confident fat bitch like Michael Jackson couldn’t stand being black.

There are several reasons I dislike over confident fat women. First, fat bitches take up too much space. People who use public transportation know what im talking about. I’m not the only person who’s been sitting on the train minding his own business when a huge bitch comes thru and damn near knocks the lights out of them. Yes they are a human and paid just like I did. But it called “getting in where you fit in.” If you’re squeezing YOU DON’T FIT!

Second, confidence in your physical appearance should come from maintaining a standard and striving for improvements. If I told you that I was ignorant and said “I ain’t know smarty pants, know it all book reading thinka” the only place where I would be taken seriously would be FOX News and Middle America. This is a problem. May not be easily corrected but you can correct the problem. Why is it ok to say “I ain’t no salad eating, regularly exercising person who cares about not expanding and invading the personal space of everyone ever in life.” How does being visibly out of shape inspire confidence?

Third, I can’t stand hearing bullshit. I do not know 1 fat girl who wanted to be fat. The very vast (pun definitely intended) majority of fat women don’t wanna be fat. The self acceptance movement of the big girl, to me, is an acceptance of failure. No, I’m not saying go do some unhealthy shit to lose weight. No, I’m not advocating you go kill yourself. I am advocating the need for honesty and change.

Honestly I and most men can’t be attracted to you because you’re too big. No, a confident personality will not make up the difference for what you lack in cuteness and No, that does not make me shallow. I’ve always been from the school of thought that you can MAKE YOURSELF. So you never have to accept what you are as long as you’re willing to acknowledge it work toward change. Now that won’t necessarily make you beautiful but at least you’ll look like you care.

What is This all about?

I was watching the Family Guy episode where Peter gets the job at the TV Station doing the segment called "You Know What Grinds My Gears?" and then all of a sudden it came to me. A few people I know have been writing blogs on very specific topics. I would do this as well if it wasn’t for the fact that I probably have A.D.D. and it multiplies whenever I’m in front of my laptop. I’m actually trying to not talk to anyone while writing this and I’m failing miserably. But this is the world we live in. A world where multitasking is an everyday fact of life that has reduced our collective attention spans to that of a coked up 3 year old with a baseball bat in a playground. But I digress.

I am writing this blog as a way to invite discourse on topics that I feel warrant conversation and to express my PERSONAL OPINION which is unique and exclusive. The views expressed in this blog are my own. I have always felt it is infinitely more entertaining to discuss things you dislike rather than the myriad of things you might sorta kinda maybe like. This is why my blog is about shit that I don’t like. And there is a shitload of shit that I don’t like so this blog is like the song that doesn’t end remixed by the Diddy All-Stars. CAN’T STOP WON’T STOP. TAKE THAT TAKE THAT.

For those of you who may not know me, I shall give you a brief description of me. I’m currently 24 years of age, New Yorker born and raised. I like women, drinking, eating good food and rock music. I'm an atheist. I'm a huge soccer and basketball fan. I dislike cheese and a myriad of other things which is why we are here. So let's get started.