Top 5 Awesome but Not So Awesome Situations

5. The super hot drunk girl at Free Tequila Shot Night

You can't tell from this picture, but she's sooo hot.

When a man goes out at night, 94.7% of the time, his intentions are to close on some late night love. If you aren’t a lame, you know better than to look for the future misses amongst the quick fixes that are these beautiful mistakes. When the odds of a girl puking are 4 to 5 because she’s been taking shots like Tony Montana at the end of Scarface, it just doesn’t make sense to put her into consideration for girlfriend status. This is why the super hot drunk chick at free tequila night is like a gift and a curse. You have to talk to her because she’s so hot and drunk. The work is 75% percent done to get in but the risk of being puked on range from SUPER HIGH to damn near Guaranteed. That means added clean up afterwards, super awkward morning after and almost a 100% guarantee that you won’t be able to respect her in the morning. (Sidenote: Whenever a female says “I bet I can out drink you” if you have any intention of fucking, please drop those expectations immediately. One of the two things will happen. 1) She gets too drunk to do anything or 2) You get too drunk to do anything. Nobody wins in this game. Avoid it like SARS.)


4. Threesomes

It only works on TV. RIP John Ritter.

Sounds like fun but really all they’re only headaches. Usually, you only want one of the two but you can’t turn down the second girl if the first girl is down. It’s a shit load of work. Most of the time someone walks away unsatisfied. You put yourself at higher risk of injury. Complicated goodbyes afterwards or ridiculously uncomfortable sleeping situations. Trust me, not really worth it.

3. Getting signed to Bad Boy

RIP Biggie.

See Loon, the Lox, Faith Evans, Total, Carl Thomas, Dream, Day 26, New Edition, Black Rob, Danity Kane, anybody who has ever been on Making the Band’s 18 seasons, Craig Mack, Cherri Dennis, Cassie… Did I get everybody?... wait 112, Mase, Shyne, G-Dep.

G-Dep - Let's Get It [D-Li-D]
Uploaded by Drunken-Li-Dragon. - See the latest featured music videos.

G-Dep released his only album on Bad Boy in 2001. Got arrested for fucking up a T-Mobile display in 2007 and his bail was $750. He had to stay on Riker’s Island, New York Metropolitan Area prison, for a month because he couldn’t come up with the money. This guy’s music made the Harlem Shake like the most popular dance for like 2 years and 6 years later he can’t even come up with $750. You mean to tell me Diddy couldn’t hold him down. I don’t believe in God but Diddy is the Anti-Christ. If you have any talent and Diddy come’s a callin’ RUN IN THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION.

2. Super Fat Asses

....I'll pass

I may catch some flack for this, but sometimes it’s just too much. It’s VERY RARE that it looks good out the pants. I prefer you fill up your jeans but you don’t have to be ridiculous. The waist to ass ratio is WAY more important.

1.Working with your side piece/ bed friend

Damn it... I can't say I'm working late!

I think it’s understood in just about EVERY single work place that fraternizing with co-workers is 99.9% is a bad idea. No one follows these rules. Being single and mutual attraction in the work place will breed some form of tension. Well, you don’t really have to be single but again I digress. At just about every gym I worked at, fraternizing with someone you worked with was a way of life. And with the girls we were hiring, it was a life that I truly loved. We hired this one girl who was simply stunning. When I interviewed her, her boyfriend dropped her off so I didn’t foresee us doing anything really. After about maybe 2 weeks of random flirting and play fighting and jokes about me never going out, she convinced me to go out with her. (Sidenote #2: This is not a 100% guarantee, but if she play fights with you, she’s DTF{Down To Fuck}. It’s the second grader in every female. Sometimes it manifests itself in verbal sparring matches. So if she ALWAYS wants to argue with you, you probably can poke).

Well I show up to her house and she isn’t ready. I’m not surprised. She says to give her a minute and to chill out on the couch. We’re talking as she’s changing in the other room. Quickly convinced to stay in and “watch a movie.” No one ever watches a movie and I am no exception. Life was lived. So I now had someone I could talk to, could have sex with regularly, and was discreet as well as relatively inexpensive. I thought I was living the “Miller High Life.” WRONG! WRONG!

She still had a boyfriend but we work together and we were ALWAYS THERE. It was like I was in a relationship w/o being in a relationship. We had lunch together everyday. I couldn’t talk to any other girls without her getting jealous. We had a great physical relationship and because we were around each other so much we built up a flaky emotional one as well. I admit I was lame and kinda semi caught feelings. Fuck around and chill with someone enough in any situation and that’s bound to happen. I eventually quit her after several stupid incidents. I was being investigated and interrogated by her man. She was not subtle at all and EVERYONE was in my business. I couldn’t talk to anyone else while she was there. It super sucked when I hired someone better looking who came with less baggage. I ended up having to pull strings to get her transferred. She told her boyfriend and he wanted to fight me. It was a nightmare. It was like Days of Our Lives meets General Hospital meets a Spanish novella (Colombian women… need I say more).

When you have an office fling, especially that one where they're just a jumpoff, rule NUMERO UNO is don’t fuck with the Fidel CashFlow. In other words, don’t jeopardize the money. That is a cardinal sin. Kanye said it best “I don't know what's better, gettin laid or gettin paid/ I just know when I'm gettin one, the other's gettin away.” If ever you question which one should take precedent remember you can’t pay your phone bill with head.

I don't believe you, You NEED more people.

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What is a BITCH like you to DO?

It was about 10 am on the Monday of Memorial Day weekend and I had just woken up at a friend’s house about a half hour bus ride away from home. It was the brightest day so far in the year, my retinas are burning. I had spent the past 2 nights at open bars and hadn’t had a decent meal in about 3 days due to overall drunken bad decision making. Fittingly, I’m waiting in front of the Monkey Room at the M4 bus stop to go home, feeling rock star standoffish and hung-over. In other words, my weekend was fucking awesome so far. I get a 3 text long mass text message from a number I don’t have saved in my phone. I had been trying to coordinate my schedule for the day and had been receiving texts since I woke up. This text is about some barbeque with a laundry list of shit needed. I read it then put my phone away. As I’m putting my phone away I received the same 3 text long message again so I call the number. The phone doesn’t ring and I hear the person’s voice message.

It’s someone who I was once friends with, in the past. He was the type of dude that if you’re friends with, you find yourself letting massive amounts of annoyances go. But I lost all respect for him and decided fucking with him was pure lamery. I told him back when we last spoke that I didn’t think he was worth the effort of being friends with anymore and stopped chilling with him. I made myself crystal clear with my words and actions that I no longer considered him a friend. I saved his number in my phone in order to know not to pick up if called and then put my phone away. No more than five minutes later, I receive another 3 message long mass text from this person (different message this time though but about the same barbeque). I respond to the text saying “Please don’t text me anymore.” Within that minute, I receive a text in response from the person saying “eat a fat dick.”

I was obviously livid. Like most people, I don’t like dealing with “bitch-ass-ery” or doing “bitch-ass-erous” things. But because I was already in the extra innings of an already legendary weekend, I made no attempt to contact the bitch right then and there. I had barbeque to eat and actual friends to hang with. The day went on normally and life was lived as if all was pretty much standard.

This bitch, however, is friends with a group of people who I’m friends with. I did not ask anyone to take sides but in the spirit of full disclosure, I told them of the exchange. When speaking to these people 1 on 1, I was told I was in the right and that the message I was sent was not justified. I don’t chill where he does nor did I plan to seek him out, but when I saw him, I would handle the situation accordingly.

Well maybe a week or 2 passes and for some reason I’m in the Heights and the group’s all together and he shows up. Immediately, I wanna confront the bitch about his text but out of respect for everyone I hold off on doing so. We go to the bar which is immediately behind the bus stop where I got the text and I feel horrible. It’s my nature to deal with every situation as soon as possible. I was uncomfortable for the sake of others who should have had my back in regards to the situation. I spent literally 15 minutes smoking cigarettes and having my best friend plead with me not to confront him at this time. His reasons were different but I still was not comfortable with saying nothing, doing nothing.

MJ gave up 2 Championships to give you this masterpiece.

I confronted the bitch about his statements and he was practically mum. I’ve never personally witnessed someone who was so fat act like such a bitch in my entire life. I shattered his argument verbally while calling him on all his bitch-ass tendencies with complete disregard for human life. All the text message thuggery amounted to nothing more than a pussy fat boy not being able to put two coherent sentences together. I was disappointed but I should have known better than expect anything different. Pussies will always be pussies.

Seriously... Seriously?

But is that a problem? No. I have several friends whom I consider very dear to my heart whom I wouldn’t call in a bind that required action because I know that’s not there forte. I’m not saying they’re bitches but it’s not what they do. I’m not the person you call when you want help baking a cake or translating ancient Aramaic or when trying to solve a nuclear crisis. I also don’t volunteer to fly space missions, crack the Da Vinci code or to moonlight as an opera singer. That’s not me. Being a bitch isn’t the problem…well it is, but the bigger issue is moonlighting as something you are not is.

History is littered with moonlighters. Ray Allen’s acting career is a testament to how great a director Spike Lee is because he is probably the worst basketball player actor of all time. Yes, I have seen Kazaam. Michael Jackson wanted to be a white person all his life, didn’t work out too well. When Mickey Rourke first hit the screen, he was a slated to be the next big heartthrob of Hollywood but turned to boxing (as well as a shit load drugs) and fucked up his face irreparably. Michael Jordan failed at baseball, ended up wasting a good 2 years of his prime. The only good thing to come of his baseball career was SPACE JAM. Classic. Jennifer Love Hewitt’s music career was as successful as the career of your average VH1 slut after “Flavor of Love.” But at the very least these people had a place in the world. As bad as Ron Artest, Shaqs and Allen Iverson’s rap careers were, does anyone but me remember Kobe’s career? You probably blocked it out.

What position should a bitch like the one described earlier hold? Answer, no one cares because you’re a bitch. But at the very least you can be yourself. More people would take you seriously.

Also, the internet is not a real place, so keeping it real via text message, facebook, myspace, twitter, MiGente, Blackplanet, AIM, ICQ, BBM, Smoke Signals or Morse Code is not the equivalent of being a man/woman and saying what you feel about someone to their face. This is America, land of the Free and home of the brave. Cursing someone out from the comfort of an electronic device at a safe distance is as brave as punching an infant. Grow a pair.

ANSWER ME!!!

I was randomly listening to Jadakiss’ second album the other day and heard that song with Anthony Hamilton. And it got me to asking a couple of questions myself.

Why doesn’t Victoria Secret have a weight limit to enter their store?

Why do dumb people always have an opinion but nothing to say?

Why can you predict which one of the girls in any crew is a hater before they even speak a word by looking at the waist to fat face ratio?

Quick! Pick out the Hater.

Why do you live in the projects but lease a Corvette?

What’s the deal with every black person taking credit for Obama when he’s half African and from Hawaii?

Why doesn’t anyone but me ever talk about how much Keanu Reeves sucks as an actor?

Why am I an atheist, but still think that there is a devil and he’s currently going by the name of P.Diddy?

Who do I have to kick in the nuts to make sure they don’t fuck up another X-Men or any Marvel character with a shitty movie?

Where is Jazz-O?

Who’s responsible for Karrine Steffans getting a SECOND book deal? Why is she a New York Bestselling author? What the fuck?

When did formally dating sluts become cool? Who was the first famous slut to be claimed? Pamela Anderson? Madonna?

What ever happened to all the Triple A boy bands of the 90s? O-Town? Everyone from 98degrees that didn’t marry Jessica Simpson? Take5?

One of the white boys had dreads and they STILL didn't make it.

Am I the only person who remembers how fun watching Star Search used to be and how American Idol is super lame in comparison?

Will quality sitcoms ever return to network television?

Who framed Roger Rabbit?

The 1st Crackhead Cartoon Character

Am I the only person who remembers that R.Kelly pissed on some girl on camera? Why does he have a new video out? Why does he have a new album coming out?

Why do we give Chris Brown a break for beating Rhianna but claim to be feminists and against violence for women?

What ever happened to the Muppet Babies? I used to love that shit.

Why doesn’t anyone really talk about how gay DMX is? His lyrics are all the evidence anyone truly needs.

Can you please tone down the prison sex references? PLEASE

Has enough time passed for us to start recognizing the obvious weirdness and chicanery that was the latter life of Michael Jackson?

Is it cool to remember this yet?

Where the fuck is Lou Diamond Phillips?

What movie was worse: Street Fighter (the first one with Jean Claude as the American Hero Guile) or the Super Mario Brothers Movie?

Jean is a fucking American!?

Who do I have to thank for there being less Celine Dion?

Are fake breasts an inflation of a girl?

Are you really waiting for Jesus to come back?

How many priest are touching little boys right now inappropriately? 15-20?

How scared are you for that little boy?

Did anyone buy Diddy’s last album? What was the name of that shit?

Is Philip Seymour Hoffman the greatest actor alive right now?

What cool fun shit will sanganos in general destroy and ruin this week?

These are just a few questions I thought of this morning while brushing my teeth after listening to Jada. Feel free to answer a few or send me one of yours.

It's your fault.

Where are all the good men?

I wanna start off by saying I have been avoiding answering this question because I think it’s a fairly dumb question asked by dumb women too self absorbed to look past themselves and see the real problem. If this first sentence offended you, now would be a good time to stop reading because though I love women, this will only get worse for you. I have never heard a man ask “where are all the good women?” in my life. You probably have not either. But women have asked me this question several times. The answer, considering the tone and content of my previous posts, is more likely to have me even more universally despised and possibly cause harm to my genitalia in comparison to anything I’ve written before. If you’re a dumb bitch, the following will anger you so just stop reading now… Seriously… I’ll wait…

…
…….
…………

Ok, now that they’re, gone here’s the scoop. There are very very VERY few absolutes in life, but once you get to the point where you’re asking THIS question, 99.7486% of the time, the problem is you. You may have fallen victim to the traps of a lame or loser. You may have been a good girl to someone who didn’t treat you right. And yes that sucks. The fact that you’re asking this question makes it still you’re fault.

You struggled with someone for not weeks, not months, but most of the time, years knowing there was something about them that was gonna make this relationship as successful as teaching your average black man to not hit on fat white women and yet, you stayed and tried and worked and argued and stressed and became bitter. You left after you lingered too long or he deaded you or you deaded him or you stalemated like the Vietnam War and now you’re even more bitter. Now you’re looking for someone better and smarter who will treat you like the princess… no…fuck that, like the queen that you are who will be understanding of your standoffishness and the reason you have walls bigger than the ones in China. He has to be willing to deal with the fact that you trust people as much as a member of the average member KGB and still pursue you cause you’re so awesome. You want someone equal intellectually and goal oriented and faithful like a puppy and won’t play you like some dog. You want all that but will probably settle for the last guy who fucked you in hopes that he’s changed and if not him, then SOMEONE JUST LIKE HIM.

OMG I hate him... When's he coming back?

Now, the relationships you get involved in are tainted by your bad experience and by the bad advice you’ve gotten from other bitter bitches just as dumb in regards to the subject or at least just as big a failure as you are in the area of the opposite sex. Here are some questions for women who do dumb things that hinder their ability to look through the bullshit and be happy.

A. Why don’t you ever really work on correcting or at the very least checking and acknowledging your own flaws?

I DON'T HAVE A PROBLEM!

Some guy fucks you over. It was traumatic. All men are evil. Wait!? What? Did I miss something? Women are notorious for making sweeping generalizations on all men based on a bad experience, which was usually their fault, only to do the same shit over again. I’m not saying it’s your fault that the man you love is poking someone else. But if you didn’t see it coming, then you were with a liar/manipulator (rare case but still your fault) or you weren’t paying attention to the obvious signs being thrown your way. Being dumb is equal to being a statistic.

B. Why do you have “a type” and not a standard?

When a man who is not retarded wants to see how easy it will be to have sex with a girl, he asks her “what’s her type.” He half turns his ears off to all the emotional and intellectual traits, for the most part, and pays attention to the physical ones. The more attributes she lists, that you have as a man, the easier it will be to fuck her, fuck up and keep her lingering. This is a fact.

It’s human nature, not just a man’s nature, to get as much out of a situation while investing the least resources possible. So the next time you’re wondering why that guy just wanted to fuck, realize that he was thinking the same thing you were thinking when you took that drink from some guy at the bar. “He didn’t have to offer it to me.” True. You also didn’t have to offer it up to him. I will take whatever I can with the least amount of work, for the most part, everytime. I won’t bother putting in work if you ain’t worth shit or ain’t about shit. And that is how you’re probably coming off if you’re the type to ask, “where are all the good men.” Too much work; not worth the effort. And perception is reality when you first meet someone. How do we get this impression? From everything! How you’re dressed, how you speak and carry yourself, how fit you are, how you respond to their advances and your history…etc, etc, etc. Remember that you’re not the only one sizing up someone. The only difference with men is that you don’t have to pass all of a man’s tests to fuck.

C. Why do you focus on rules and milestones instead of allowing things to happen organically?

Women, who have rules like “He’s gotta take me out to dinner at least 3 times to get some” or some bullshit like that, are the EASIEST TO SMASH. You set yourself up for failure as soon as you measure a man’s potential by his ability to hit certain milestones. How much does “going out for a month” matter if you have nothing in common?

D. Why the fuck do you ask your single and “even less successful in relationships” friends for relationship advice?

She's literally been failing FOREVER

This is probably the main cause for your loneliness and failure. You have a question about a man, who you think might have potential, and you ask the biggest, most jaded, man-hater you know to evaluate him. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT MAKE SENSE!? It’s like asking your average crack head for medical advice. Actually the crack head might give you better advice in this case because experience counts for way more in the medical field.

Relationships are one of the few areas where LESS EXPERIENCE is usually a better thing. If you’re looking to another girlfriend for advice on men and she’s single and has been forever or is usually in relationships with lames, losers and scalliwags, then how dumb are you? They have been doing nothing but failing in this area and this is the person who is somehow gonna show you how to be successful in a relationship? Really!? Fuck no. They’re just gonna pass on a little bit more of the bitterness and probably add on a new expectation from men that you shouldn’t have and complicate an already difficult situation for you. They are quick fixes like plugging a crack in a dam with double mint gum but just as stupid. Anything they say should be burned out of your memory as soon as possible.

Know that you being single or settling for lames is a subconscious choice you have made. I mentioned earlier that I have never and you probably will never hear a straight man ask a question like this. You know why? Because the dumbest man knows that as soon as you make yourself worthy of something great, it will come and even if he doesn’t better himself, there’s a woman dumb enough to see a spark of potential and be willing to duke it out with him to see if it ever manifests, because she’s blind to the flaws. Open your eyes. And if you’re mad, I told all the dumb bitches to stop reading this a LONG time ago.

The Economics Of Jump-Offs

I’ve been on hiatus for a while. I would apologize, but I’ve been having fun and living life. I didn’t wanna neglect you guys for much longer so here is an actual question from the audience.

My boy Josh asked…

Why don’t jump offs play their position?

This is an excellent question by the way. Economics is the social science that studies the production, distribution, and consumption of goods and services. An economy is an orderly, functional arrangement of parts. The strength of an economy is its ability to maintain a balance between the production of good or service, the cost of service and consumer demand. Now, why am I telling you all this?

The advent of a large number of jump-offs attempting to change their status from an expendable good, used for certain “services,” to a commodity with an inflated value has been crippling the market. The needs to smash have never changed. The existence of jump-offs has pretty much stayed constant for years (thank you feminist movement for the up surge in recent years).

Her chest isn't the only thing that's over inflated in this pic?

But with the “rise in cost” and a decrease in value inflation has run rampant. The inflated value of jump-offs comes from many sources. Here are some of the major players.

1. The Advent of the Jump-Off Activists.
Women who were once used exclusively for their good looks, awesome assets and amazing…talents, started to demand respect and for some reason people started to give it to them. They wrote books. (Karrine Steffans is a New York Times Best Selling author. My only question is who deserves a swift kick in the nads for this. Any woman who bought this book for leisure should be sterilized.). They started speak out on the “atrocities” of being sluts.

The glasses are for... protect.

2. Trickin’ on Ho’s
Men started to not only pay for but acknowledge these women in public. You would have never seen JFK acknowledge Marilyn Monroe in public and hold her hand. But I’ve seen Kanye with that video ho for the past like 6 months wherever he goes.

Is this what's really good in the streets?

3. The Feminist Movement.
Not all women deserve to be empowered. You wouldn’t spend upwards of $200,000 on a piece of art for a baby to play with. This is the same reason you don’t try to instill “self respect in hos.” They wouldn’t know what to do with it so they’ll end up fucking up everything. They did a large amount of blame shifting from themselves onto men. We don’t make jump-offs. We find them that way.

So your average jump-off nowadays has a slew of “ho to housewife” examples to look up to and has taken to the bars and clubs looking for those willing to pay to play. Back in the day prominent men were known to smash these women and never associate with them in public. We all know JFK smashed Marilyn Monroe but do you have any picture of him holding her hand or some shit? No. Why? Because that shit ain’t cool. They want that “late night love” to translate into a romance like Julia Roberts in that movie where she was a prostitute. We must tell these “Pretty Woman” wannabes to fallback and know their roles. We need to protest these prominent men who are wifing these jump-offs. Kanye with whoever that shaved head chick is, anyone who openly dates Pamela Anderson, Paris Hilton or a Kardashian for that matter. We must realize that these are not people to look up to but shun. Putting Jump-offs in their place is the only way we can take back our economy.

Fucking Posers...

I’m not the only hater on the block and I love sharing the limelight with friends. TODAY we have a special guest hater. Introduce yourself to the masses.

Jose: greetings to all the ladies, gentlemen, trannies, midgets, and even you couple of sanganos in the background...
the name's jose, old friend and fellow hatemonger to your regularly-scheduled truth-spitter, joseph.
me: You're too kind.
well today's topic is posers
nowadays having ever passed a bum on the street, seen a 50 cent video or once shared a table in college while drunk with a black person wearing a durag makes u ghetto
this is the select group i feel deserve a big bat to the face

Jose: you mean motherfuckers that are actually from new canaan, connecticut but because they picked up a half-ounce of weed once from the dirtiest slum imaginable in white plains, new york think that they're on hood status?
you can't really pimp in a prius, now can you?


me: lol
i've seen it attempted but the worst of bitches ride with these dudes
like your looking at some fat bitches with sweat marks under there tits with fat asses

Jose: i heard that you can find special prizes under those chicks' rolls, like some hidden legend of zelda type shit. scrolls and maps to hidden treasure.
but on the realness, the reason the worst of bitches ride with those dudes is that the worst of bitches enjoy the thin veneer of danger that comes with a McGangsta.

me: do you mean the "Let's go to the projects of Newark to get weed or watever and act as if everyone has a gun and wants to kill us" when really you're on a college campus 2miles away and everyone there doesn't give a fuck about you.
What's the worst type of poser?

Jose: In my opinion
the type of poser I hate the most is of the Can'tye Dress't variety
I'm talking about dudes and chicks that three years ago thought that Rocawear was the epicness and made fun of any dude wearing jeans that fit or any chick that didn't tuck her three-sizes-too-small denim into jordans but now get mad beast and layer on everything they can buy from urban outfitters.


me: COMPLETELY CONCUR
Last year they wore 4XL Tees and and now theyre rocking SMEDIUM tees and fitted plaid shorts. I'm all for people growing in style but they don't even looking comfortable rocking their express skinny jeans and the worse is they start rocking colors they never wore
Jose: EXACTLY
me: like green jeans and purple v-necks
fuck you
Jose: Bitch, if the most adventurous you ever got was rocking a red fitted instead of a blue one with your blue tee and blue timbs, what makes you think you're going to do a good job of dressing yourself in multiple colors?
Got people looking like Atlantic City signs that need repair, walking up and down the streets.
Stop fucking with neon, people.
me: PLEASE now that its acceptable to rock purple DOESNT MEAN YOU ONLY ROCK PURPLE everything and try making your jordans fit
FUCK... and then they act like they were always on it
"oh yeah. I been rocking these colors" while photographic evidence shows they havent worn anything other than black or brown since 1998

Jose: Besides the fact that at the end of the day, these kids all love to rep the 80s mad hard... "oh im an 80s baby"... you know, im really sorry you cant forge your own identity, but THAT DECADE ENDED.
Miami Vice is not on the air, freestyle is not what they're playing in the club, and you need to check your Ray-Bans at the door please.

me: looking like Mars Blackmon cousin and shit. Go practice some safe sex and fuck yourself

Jose: Hahaha the shit that gets me though is that they automatically get mad gassed on themselves and think theyre the hottest shit ever
And I attribute this entirely to one man, as named in my name for this type of poser... apologies to all the Kanye fans, but he's ruined black people.
Specifically by inspiring them to dress like rejects from some niggerfied version of Back to the Future and by making them think that if their ego isnt the size of the motherland that they're not living
right.

me: ROTFLMAO
I don't think it was only him tho
this is a by product of the skateboard culture into "hip hop"
Jose: Definitely the other co-conspirator here.
me: but instead of being more like terry kennedy niggas wanted to become spacejam meets the killers
Jose: in other words, niggaz wanted to not be niggers and instead tried to be gay astronauts.
me: ..... pretty much
Jose: What's funny to me is that black people have been skating since wheels hit the pavement, dig?
It was never exclusively a white thing
me: I know
i saw "kids"
lol
Jose: Hahaha
So again it all doubles back to these ignorant motherfuckers, who used to make fun of any soy sauce colored cat on a deck with wheels, who then ran out to their local skate shop and bought a deck and just MATCHED THAT SHIT TO THEIR NIKES

me: Mind you i rock Nike SB's and I have been rocking them since 2005 but nowadays you see these man-pirates raiding skate shops looking for kicks that i had 4 years ago and putting it together with a Fonsworth Bentley-esque bowtie
those who do this, find your nearest cliff and toss yourself off of it


Jose: Better yet, since you're apparently a victim of the unofficial Every Child Left Behind Act initiated by crack-addicted parents during your favorite bygone era, do us all a favor and track down your mom
cuz I wanna ask the bitch how in the world she let your dad nut in her belly, and why she didnt abort you.
On some level, I thank you for stimulating on the economy, but on the other hand, I hope someone scuffs your precious kicks on the subway.

me: The worse part, besides the overall retinal deterioration, is the smugness of these man-servant wannabes or worse, they call themselves gangster
let me get this straight, you're currently wearing a v neck that reaches your diaphragm and lime pants that if u saw yourself 3 years ago, you would fuck yourself up, NOW, now you're gangster?
slashing your wrist is the least you can do for the rest of man kind
Jose: Reminds me of a good story
And one that brings us full circle
So basically, I'm at this party talking shit with some friends, and two people in particular catch our eye
one is a blatantly homosexual white dude wearing a tight-ish white tee and some jeans, some Nikes, and a fitted. Said gaydude has a teardrop tattoo that me and my peoples were speculating was fake.
On the other hand, we had a substantially taller black kid decked out in box-fresh kicks, crisp jeans, his illest graphic tee, a purple bandana around his neck, and neon shades on, and he was there
with his own little crew of rainbow turds.
me: ahh the new age teenage mutant asshole turtles
Jose: Precisely.
So anyway, Donatello and crew must've been talking shit because all of a sudden, gay dude breaks the conversation he's having and starts to mean mug the black kids so hard that you could see the daggers flying out of his eyes at them...
and once they figured out they'd been heard, they started mean mugging back.
Now, in any typical situation, you'd expect this boy booty-raiding white boy to get handed his head, but please bear in mind, we're talking about the posers here
Gay dude cracks his beer bottle on a table nearby and takes a swipe at Donatello's face, leaving him with a delightfully executed slice right across his cheek
me: flamboyant fighter
Jose: At this point, the bag of M&Ms and their freshly-shaved friend freak the fuck out and leave the place faster than you could say "H&M Sale".
And, as I found out from a friend of mine later that evening, the violent homo in question had actually done a bid for manslaughter and was not to be fucked with on any basis, ever, if you enjoy breathing
air.
So, moral of the story is, stop fucking fronting. Books ARE supposed to be judged by the cover, and if the way you present yourself to the world doesnt jive with who you are behind that facade, you will get your fucking wig pushed back by queer killers.

me: The most disrespected person should be the person who's knowledge of self is about as confusing as the labels and color combinations they put together. They're lack of style is only made
worse by they're complete lack of originality and culture. Because if they had any they'd be too ashamed to be seen wearing the lamery they considered credible clothing. More important than the clothes is the lack of heart. Get it right america.
Jose: Seriously. Stop teabagging my life with your lameness.

TOP 5 COCK BLOCKERS of ALL TIME

5. AC Slater

Everyone knew Zack was bound to smash Kelly Kapowski from day one. Those two seasons or so when he competed HARD for her were the reasons he won “Hater of the Year” in 1990.

4. TMZ

Think of the greats who have had there money train derailed by the tabloids. Kevin Federline, though he wasn’t the first but probably the highest profile rags to “digging out cash so please don’t fuck this up for me” of the decade. Someone owes Stedman Graham a cool BILLION dollars of that Oprah. Think of all the would-be husbands of Liza Minnelli or Cher or Elizabeth Taylor. All those potential “ho to housewife” stories we missed out on are because of tabloids.

3. The Catholic Church

Quite possibly the largest conglomerate of cock blockers ever assembled, they’re notorious for denouncing anything fun or entertaining that's ever been contemplated. Technically, any sex other than that performed in the missionary position by a married couple minus all forms of pleasure condemns you to an eternity in a Lake of Fire. That means “heaven” is NO PLACE I want to be. Seriously speaking though, the church is sexual repression in its most organized form. They’ve been giving would be slides excuses to not smash since… well Constantine.

2. The Clingy Ex- Girlfriends

It’s over. We no longer speak. We haven’t touched each other in months but you feel like we have unfinished business whenever someone else is showing me love. Really? Very original asshole. Why is it that you feel we need to talk when she’s sitting on my lap?

1. The D.U.F.F.

When I was working at a gym in Houston, my life revolved around flirting with the new members. There was one in particular that I hit it off with almost immediately. Since Houston was still a semi-foreign country to me, she invited me to go drinking with some of her friends. Southern hospitality is the shit by the way. I recruited a wing man and we both drove over to a bar in downtown Houston. We get there a bit late and the girls have been drinking for a while now.

There were 3 of them, the young lady I was speaking to and her roommates. I don’t remember their names but there was a cute one and the “not so cute at all” one. (Side note: What’s with there always being one not so attractive friend amongst a group of overall hot friends? Is there like a quota that every group of friends has to fill like they regularly get investigated by the NAACP for discrimination? Why is it that this friend always has the most influence? Why do they always feel more important than everyone else? They are always the ones saying shit like “I’m hungry.” or “This party is wack.” or “My feet hurt, when are we leaving?” At the same time, we outsiders can’t piece together why the fuck they’re there in the first place. Also, the reverse happens a lot where there are a shit load of fugly chicks in a crew and one extremely smoking hot friend, but I digress) Well our “not so cute friend” commences to drink as if the elixir for her “ugly ills” is in each shot of patron. I’m watching the carnage unfold hoping and praying she has an extra liver or that the excess weight gives her an ability to metabolize liquor faster so she doesn’t ruin the evening. I learned on this night, there was no god.

Despite the now drunk ugly fat friend (commonly known as the DUFF), we were all having a good time. I was definitely getting the “this night will probably end in a sex” symbols. My boy is getting love from the cuter friend (who shall be referred to as CF for the duration of this post).The DUFF is even getting play by the bar. That is, of course, until she throws up. The ladies quickly run to her rescue while the bartender orders her out and I begin to prepare for the worst.

They all live together and thankfully the DUFF didn’t drive, so they throw her in their car and tell us to follow them. The plan being once we get there we “figure out what to do next” which translates to “this is your chance to smash it out the frame.” We get to the apartment and there are 3 bedrooms. SUCCESS. We walk in and I chill on the couch. The girl I'm talking with is in the bathroom with the DUFF holding her head as she throws up; my boy and CF exit stage left to her room. Half hour later, the DUFF is led to her room where she is put to bed. My girl comes into the living room and apologizes. I say it’s cool, glad I could chill with her blah blah blah. We start to make out, make it to her room, close the door and right as my shirt comes off KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK at the door. It’s the DUFF’s drunk-ass talking about there are demons in her room because she hears howling. It was actually my boy and CF. We both assure her that there are no demons and tell her to go to bed. Then she asks for water. So my girl brings her water to her room and closes the door. She comes back to the room and we start up again and again KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK at the door. This time Chantel’s doesn’t stop, I don’t either. That is, course of, until we smell the wretched stench of vomit. The floor was wall to wall carpeting, by the way. My girl puts on some clothes opens the door and accidentally hits the DUFF in the face with the door. The DUFF starts to cry and I spend the rest of the night helping this girl clean up the puke by her door.

Thomas Jefferson, author of the Declaration of Independence wrote, “We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.” The reason why cock blockers suck so bad is because they impede on all the above. I should have the liberty in this life to the pursuit of what makes me happy. You blocking my happiness, impedes on the rights granted to me not just because I’m an American, but as a citizen of the world. We as a nation, determined to live the lives our forefathers intended, minus the whole slavery thing, must stand up and say NO MORE will we allow you drunk bitches to fuck up our nights. NO MORE will we allow you former lovers to keep the “P out of the V” because you can’t stand to see someone else happy. NO MORE will pseudo religious, ritualistic sexual repressions keep you from knocking any boots. NO MORE will the throngs of haters looking to change the perspective of your naïve, yet rich lover be successful and banish you to VH1 reality stardom… And oh yeah, FUCK AC SLATER.

Ask An Asshole. Part 2. Fucking Friends.

Once again, I’m answering the questions America wants answered. This one is from an anonymous woman with a question I almost didn’t wanna answer at first because it was about one’s of the types of people I hate, the overly dramatic, irrational bitch. (Side note: Bitch is not exclusively in reference to females. There are shit load of bitch ass dudes out there who are suckers for drama and chicanery.)

Anonymous Questioner:

What do I do if my best friend's boo (not boyfriend, just boo) is trying to holla? I'm not interested at all, I actually find him kind of disgusting but she’s the type to over react and not think before she destroys the city. For example, if I tell her, she’s gonna make a big scene and tell everyone about the situation, but she wont really address the situation itself. It makes no sense but that’s her. I just wanna avoid drama, and avoid him. Not to mention the fact that she’s my best friend, I would never do that with any of her boos or ex’s. What should I do?

My Answer:

Lasting relationships are built on trust. If there’s any future in any relationship, whether it’s an average friendship, boyfriend/girlfriend, marriage or that person you call at 3am to lay some late night love on you, it’s based on some level of trust. The more serious the relationship, the more trust is needed. I’m assuming by “boo” that you mean they’re cool, they fuck and they are avoiding titles and it’s not an exclusive situation. This pseudo relationship is based on mutual attraction, probably a subconscious hope that eventually they will grow into something and the knowledge that you can fuck. This means it will undoubtly end in failure. That means the more important relationship to most of the parties involved is that of the one between you and the BFF. Honesty is the best policy in my book. I would wanna know this type of shit so I wouldn’t associate with that person anymore. Then again, I wouldn’t put myself in that situation where I would be dealing with a skeezer like that, but everyone fucks up once in a while.

One thing that is troubling is the fact that you KNOW she’s gonna blow things out of proportion and spazz on you. If you can’t be real with your best friend, then how is this person your best friend? The failure-ness of this situation is fucking epic. And that aside, why would she spazz on you if it’s true? Valuing friendships are important but just as important is evaluating them to make sure they’re worth while.

If you can’t truly be yourself or if there’s a quality in someone you can’t stand, no matter how long you’ve known them, you have to evaluate people on it. At the very least take into consideration what you want out of a friend. You say you wanna avoid drama but she’s gonna pull a “Flavor of Love” type tirade if you tell her the truth. That would be a “Las Vegas Wedding Chapel Starring Elvis Presley” sized indication that this bitch is a drama queen. If you’re really trying to avoid the drama, start by avoiding the dramatic. It’s science.

Ask an Asshole, and you might learn some shit.

I've been told I have a pretty interesting point of view. I’ve also been told that I’m an asshole. Because I don’t wanna be pigeon-holed into the “he’s just a fucking hater” category, I’m starting a segment called “Ask an Asshole.” You can send your questions and I’ll answer them in the Most Honest Fashion ever, if I find it relatively entertaining or important. Don’t be mad if I shit on you though. It’s in my nature. My boy Chuck asked the following…

"When did it become cool to accept the mediocre and hate the exceptional?"

Answer.

2 things happened. The mediocre became acceptable when the hood became the end all be all of happiness in popular culture. The hood is by far the EASIEST place to find and keep a niche. May not be the safest place, but once you're in, you're in. There's no real work to it. There's no real test to it. So people had nothing to do but settle. And when you settle, you end up with mediocre shit. That's why you see lames rocking remakes of remakes of remakes of Jordans. That's why you see talentless lames on television day in and day out. (Seriously, WHAT THE FUCK IS "New York Goes to Work." Someone on VH1 deserves a fucking slap)

The 2nd thing that happened was fucking sanganos. They were cool for a sec because women in general started looking for "someone who's sensitive" but stopped weeding out the bitch niggas like they was supposed to. So young niggas at a crossroad saw sanganos getting bitches. These youngins began looking up to sanganos. And these sanganos had less charisma than those that came before them, plus they grew up in the age of Katt Williams, so they were aspiring haters. The problem was that they didn't hate on shit that they should have (bitch niggas, bitch ass niggas, tricks, marks, mark ass tricks and trick ass marks). They hated on those with style cause they didn't have any. They hated on those who got the better breed of women cause they were relegated to hoes and leftover loser bitches. They hated those with money cause they didn't have the talent to get it on their own. They were the majority in size but the minority in anything that mattered, so anything that did matter became hated. The exceptional was rejected. And America suffers today for it.

Thanks for the question Chuck. Remember to submit your general questions in the comment section and I’ll get back to you as soon as…well whenever I feel like it.

Whats wrong with YOU people? And yes that's exactly how I meant it?

Whenever I go back to the Bronx, I know exactly what to expect. Yet and still, I am surprised every single time. I get on the 6 train with the suits and yuppies on 33rd, get off at 138th and immediately I’m greeted by panhandlers and random teens trying to sell me weed. I get to the park and I’m sitting there waiting for my friend. There’s a BBQ going on with a Black family. Boom box was blasting some Soulja Boy song. I didn’t pay attention at first until I noticed a grandma doing the Superman with her grandson. It was random because she was like maybe 41 at the OLDEST and he was like 7-8 years old. Then Lil’ Wayne’s “Lollipop” came on. Now the right thing for this grandmother to do would be to walk away. She proceeds to allow this little kid to grind on her. Now, she had a drink brown bagged and she wasn’t to steady on her feet, so she most likely was drunk…but come the fuck on. Worst part is that the rest of the guests were cheering them on. The only thing I could think of was a phrase I heard my best friend say, “I’m not saying all black people are coons, but these niggas right here are fucking coons.” As my friend was walking into the park, a fight broke out so we left. As the cops ran into the park I heard someone yell, “This ‘zactly why we can’t have nuthin’.” She was right.

Ghetto people are why I avoid watching the news, no matter what the topic is. From stock market crashes, civil unrest in a 3rd world country, to the death of a pop legend from Japan, TV crews always happen to find that one uneducated, ghetto person. You know exactly who I’m talking about. That one person out in the streets who has absolutely no sense of the meaning of the event, why the event is historically relevant, no meaningful opinion and absolutely no business speaking to the world in any way, shape or form because they’re fucking failures. Sometimes the newscaster attempts to keep them from embarrassing themselves and doesn’t even talk to anyone, but there’s some random ass dummy in the background throwing up gang signs, waving a baby (not necessarily his baby) or on a cell phone calling someone to tell them they’re on TV. Meanwhile, it’s 2pm and you out in the street not doing shit cause you ain’t got no job and you waving on tv like a fucking sambo. FUCK YOU GHETTO PEOPLE ON TV.

Everyone knows at least 1 person who goes by the code of “Fuck it! I can’t deny who I is or where’s I’m from. I’m ghetto nigga. Thug Life! Fuck You. Take That Take That!” This is the person you may have been really close to back in the day before you had any form of life education and realized there were classier places to eat than Applebee’s on 42nd. Usually they are a person who could have had some sense but won’t let go of an ideal that SHOULD be beneath them. The problem with them is not where they come from, but what they refuse to let go (Hood tendencies that are fucking pointless). Here are a few reasons why I hate you.

1. Ghetto people always wear clothes that don’t fit. Men usually wear shit that’s too big and women don’t wear enough clothes.
2. Ghetto people fry too much food and fry food too much.
3. Ghetto heroes are people who just shouldn’t be heroes. Why are kids looking up to Scarface and rappers destined to be, if not already, bankrupt?
4. Ghetto people don’t learn from their mistakes. You’re on your 3rd baby daddy, and you still haven’t learned that condoms are the way to go? Really?
5. Ghetto literature is the worst. You can’t tell me that The Coldest Winter Ever and Homo Thug are quality American literature.
6. Ghetto people always feel like they’re entitled to shit. That’s why I don’t go to hood hospitals. I refuse to wait in a room with some niggas demanding shit they will never pay for.
7. Ghetto women are always too fucking loud.

Here’s something I don’t get about ghetto females. So you basically refuse to learn or, at the very least, utilize any form of the intelligence or knowledge you claim to have to fuel your conversation, but you always have something to say. So when you’re on the 2 train on your way to the club or wherever you plan on acquiring your next baby daddy, why do you have so much to say? Is the Tyra Banks Show or the latest episode of College Hill really all that important? Do you aspire to be on Maury? How does that make you cool?




Vernacular makes every conversation more interesting. People from certain parts of Boston have an accent that I find annoying but that is undeniably entertaining. I have a flair for vernacular myself but I am able to speak in the most universal form of the English language, which is simply proper English. This is not “talking white” and to use that phrase is to say, whether you intend to or not, that “dem big word’s ain’t fo me yo. I’ms not smart nuff fo dat.” That may be acceptable for you but for us non-idiots, not so much. If you don’t possess the will to thrive in any other area then where you are from, if you’re not trying to work with the world and think only of where you’re from, you aren’t going anywhere. It’s not selling out to get smarter and become universal, it’s called growing the fuck up.

Ghetto clubs are undeniably the worst though, narrowly beating out BET. How so, you ask? Is there anything worse than being in a place that you just paid 30 bucks to get into and got forced to wear shoes when about 20 other people just walked in with scuffed up Timbs? You’re outside waiting for like a half hour to get into a place with highly over priced drinks, scandalous sluts with no personality waiting to pounce on anyone with a car or willing to buy them a drink, and a guaranteed temperature somewhere around 116 degrees Celsius. You get ice grilled from the time you walk in until the time you walk out and the night will undoubtedly end early because a fight WILL BREAK OUT.

You should never be ashamed of where you come from. And you should never be afraid to be who you truly are. But you acknowledging where you come from should NEVER keep you from where you want to be. And if you wanna remain downtrodden and misused, that’s exactly what you deserve. Complaining about the atrocities of an existence where everyday is a struggle is retarded when you long for that type of surrounding anyway. There’s nothing pretty about little kids smoking or singing songs that they don’t understand. Stop being sambos, ghetto America. Your kids will thank you later. 1

What the fuck is a SANGANO?

So, I’m at this bar chilling out with my drink minding my own business. It’s the bartender’s birthday so there’s a contest to win free shots. Guess her age correctly and the shots are on her. If you guess incorrectly, you’re paying for yours and hers. Needless to say, the bartenders a little drunk but the patrons…are wasted. There’s a guy there who just won’t stop guessing the same incorrect age. They’re both taking the shots and he’s done. Destroyed. Fucked up. On the verge of a Hindenburg. She cuts him off from anymore alcohol and cracks a few jokes on his stumbling and his failed attempt to hook up with anyone at the bar. He just sits there looking as if he were about to throw up. After a while, he calls the bartender over and says to her, “You’re the most beautiful thing I’ve seened. I hope who ever gets the chance to gets with you truly appreciates you cause you sure are beautiful.” Now she wasn’t a fucking wreck of a woman. But she was no supermodel. She spent the last 10 minutes berating him, he doesn’t know her, but he is singing her praises. He basically paid FOR A BARTENDER to get drunk AT HER JOB and went home alone to violate himself properly. This guy was clearly a fucking sangano.


Ladies, do you have that male friend who hangs out just to hang out? The guy that goes dancing with you just to go dancing? Is he that super safe friend who you can trust won’t ever try anything? And even if he did, you could reject him and know that he would still love you forever? Is he that guy who buys gifts and flowers before the first date? That guy that is always willing to go the extra mile for nothing? The builder of self-esteem where there should be none, the moral pillar that keeps you away from guys you’d normally talk to and the male shoulder you can always cry on if a normal guy you actually like causes you a little stress? Is he the occasional mistake (pity fuck) or the “voice of reason?” He’s your sangano and I HATE THAT GUY.

Now many of you may be confused by the term “sangano” and wonder what it means. The Urban Dictionary defines a sangano as “A person who is girlieish. A dolt, an idiot, a fool. One who is easily taken advantage of. A naïve individual.” We all usually have a love-hate relationship with sanganos because they’re entertaining to a degree. Their fuck ups are classic. They’re aspirations are normal, noble most of the time, and they’re simple people.

So what’s wrong with sanganos, you may ask?

Inflation is a bitch in any economy. Webster's Dictionary defines inflation as “a continuing rise in the general price level usually attributed to an increase in the volume of money and credit relative to available goods and services.” SANGANOS, stop paying for free pussy, ESPECIALLY HOES. Infusing hoes with a false sense of self worth because “dudes is buying her drinks at da bar” is wrong. Seriously wrong. I don’t care what ANYONE says. Whether you’re a 16 year old with no bills and a job or a 90 year oil tycoon with millions, YES it is trickin’! EVEN IF YOU GOT IT! Most of the times, you sanganos save up paychecks to take these scandalous skeezers to shop, for dinner, or for whatever you lames think will open up her heart to you. HOES ARE FREE. THAT’S WHY THEY’RE HOES. STOP FUCKING UP THE MARKET.

Guys, you ever walk up to a girl who was clearly a 4 and realized that for some reason she was under the impression that she was a 10+? Sanganos are the reason why we got hoes nowadays demanding shit like respect and to be taken out and acknowledgement of their existence in public. Back in the good old days, a McChicken and an open crib sufficed. This was the America I loved.

Most of you are wondering. “Wow, how do I know if some is a sangano?” or “Am I a sangano, myself?” Here are some symptoms of sanganosis.

1. Sanganos are the first to arrive and last to leave.
2. Sanganos love the help. (Strippers. Shot Girls. Waitresses. Bartenders. Hostesses…)
3. Sanganos have 138 female friends and haven’t had a girlfriend in 3 years… if ever.
4. Sanganos always offer unsolicited advice. Following this advice will lead your demise socially 98.4% of the time.
5. Sanganos always wanna know how they look but never REALLY wanna know the answer.
6. Sanganos cry. Uber emotional about shit they shouldn’t be emotional about (mostly women).
7. Sanganos love strobe lights. I don’t get it.
8. Sanganos will try ANYTHING to get a girl.
9. Sanganos have “types” but very low standards. (mustaches, fucked up teeth, beer bellies accepted...)
10. Cock blocking is EXCLUSIVE SANGANO ACTIVITY.

Cock-blocking is a cardinal sin but it’s the “Go To” play of 97% percent of sanganos. Now not all sanganos are cock-blockers but every cock blocker is a fucking sangano. Their thirst for attention is insatiable. They’re always showing out and dancing harder than a coked-up raver in a Brooklyn basement. This is the sangano’s mating call. It’s his attempt to show dominance in an area, but most of the time he comes off looking uber gay or super aggressive.

Let’s combat the problem at its source, America. Stop allowing sangano activity to go unchecked. Whether it be friend, foe or even yourself. No, you don’t have to buy her a drink. Yes, you can split the check. No, she’s not the most beautiful thing you’ve ever seen and if so you’re dumb enough to think so right now, at least stop and wait ‘til you’ve known this chick for a little more than 14 minutes.

And women, you don’t have to accept the drinks, the dinners, or the gifts. No, you don’t need to give that male friend the comfort of companionship as a substitute for a real relationship. No he’s not an alternative point of view or the voice of reason. He’s a sangano. He’s just rehashing your point of view in hopes you see how much he loves you so he can fuck you. And yes, he really wants to fuck you. Blame yourself for the excessive texts and phone call and emails and smoke signals. You invited this when you allowed yourself to be cool with a fucking sangano.

NO, I don't have any FUCKING change.

It was a random Sunday and I’m on the A train. I don’t remember why I was going down into the city but I would rue this day for the rest of my life. First distraction was a dude that looked like a black Merlin with a shopping cart full of bottles of liquor and/or piss. (Probably piss). He passes through asking for money for “potions.” All I could think was “Wow. That’s the best euphemism for crack that I’ve ever heard.” He almost got me to give him some loose change, but then I remembered I don’t support crack users. I’m not the music industry.

Then we get to 125th and my life changes forever. The train conductor comes on the intercom and says, “Sorry for the inconvenience, we’re being held at the station. We’ll be moving shortly. Fuck you” or something like that. A bum walks in from the opposite side of the train and he doesn’t have any shoes on. He’s mumbling and I’m talking to a friend, so I’m not really paying attention to what’s going on over there. Besides I just saw the black crack fiend Merlin. This day can’t get any weirder, right? WRONG!

The following was the most generous thing I’ve ever seen IMMEDIATELY followed by the most disgusting thing I’ve ever witnessed in person. This bums pants are super uber disgusting. They’re littered with coffee, grape juice, piss, beer, poop (literally) and of course crack stains. Yes, crack stains clothes. This Spanish lady pulls out a brand spanking new pair of Old Navy khakis out of an old navy bag and gives the man the pants. It was truly inspiring. Then that bum did something that would change my life forever.

He takes off his pants. He was not wearing underwear. The stench caused the baby in a stroller across from me to start crying immediately. He uses the old ratty pants to wipe the larger chunks of shit from his ass. This dudes NOT wearing anything below the waist throughout this. I don’t know if I can stress this enough. He sits on the floor of the train and proceeds to wipe his ass using the train floor like a dog. He’s literally making a streak of shit behind him as he hops up and down on the train floor. He gets up puts on the new pants and throws the old pants with shit on them onto the platform.

I couldn’t make a story like that up. I feel like I should have sued the MTA after that traumatic experience. But the sad fact is everyone deals with the pitfalls of the mass transit. Bums are the most prevalent offenders of my right to be an iPod blaring, book reading, jaded New Yorker but they aren’t the only problem.

Panhandling is super wild ultra annoying and illegal. I feel for people without places to go. That shit probably sucks super bad. But fuck you Mr. Crack Head extraordinaire for ruining my morning with your stench and shitty vocalizing. Fuck you little kids with your sambo-ish dancing and horribly uncoordinated lackluster performances. Fuck you random incoherent man because you're so high on the train from smoking all that crack cocaine then have the nerve to ask people for money with Jordans on your feet.

But the WORST of the FUCKING WORST are the MASS TRANSIT PREACHERS. FUCK YOU and everything you love. Spewing your lies and singing your songs in hopes to inspire when all people wanna do is think about their next fuck or drink that will happen after work. Fuck you for condemning me to a life of eternal damnation at 7:30am. BITCH I ain't even had coffee yet. FUCK YOU.

Why is it OK that you're Huge, Ms. Big Girl?

I do not care what euphemism you use. Big boned. Plump. Full figured. You are NOT cute or better because you're big. NO. No you're not. NO.

I wanna start off by saying I am in no way a fan of the Keira Knightly, Lara Flynn Boyle, Mid to Late 2000s Cameron Diaz style of woman who look like they’re allergic to meal portions that don’t fit in a crack vile or can’t be snorted. Not saying that any of these women do coke or are opposed to eating, but if I told you that any one of them did coke or was opposed to eating, would that really be a big surprise?

That being said I can’t stand an over confident fat bitch like Michael Jackson couldn’t stand being black.

There are several reasons I dislike over confident fat women. First, fat bitches take up too much space. People who use public transportation know what im talking about. I’m not the only person who’s been sitting on the train minding his own business when a huge bitch comes thru and damn near knocks the lights out of them. Yes they are a human and paid just like I did. But it called “getting in where you fit in.” If you’re squeezing YOU DON’T FIT!

Second, confidence in your physical appearance should come from maintaining a standard and striving for improvements. If I told you that I was ignorant and said “I ain’t know smarty pants, know it all book reading thinka” the only place where I would be taken seriously would be FOX News and Middle America. This is a problem. May not be easily corrected but you can correct the problem. Why is it ok to say “I ain’t no salad eating, regularly exercising person who cares about not expanding and invading the personal space of everyone ever in life.” How does being visibly out of shape inspire confidence?

Third, I can’t stand hearing bullshit. I do not know 1 fat girl who wanted to be fat. The very vast (pun definitely intended) majority of fat women don’t wanna be fat. The self acceptance movement of the big girl, to me, is an acceptance of failure. No, I’m not saying go do some unhealthy shit to lose weight. No, I’m not advocating you go kill yourself. I am advocating the need for honesty and change.

Honestly I and most men can’t be attracted to you because you’re too big. No, a confident personality will not make up the difference for what you lack in cuteness and No, that does not make me shallow. I’ve always been from the school of thought that you can MAKE YOURSELF. So you never have to accept what you are as long as you’re willing to acknowledge it work toward change. Now that won’t necessarily make you beautiful but at least you’ll look like you care.

What is This all about?

I was watching the Family Guy episode where Peter gets the job at the TV Station doing the segment called "You Know What Grinds My Gears?" and then all of a sudden it came to me. A few people I know have been writing blogs on very specific topics. I would do this as well if it wasn’t for the fact that I probably have A.D.D. and it multiplies whenever I’m in front of my laptop. I’m actually trying to not talk to anyone while writing this and I’m failing miserably. But this is the world we live in. A world where multitasking is an everyday fact of life that has reduced our collective attention spans to that of a coked up 3 year old with a baseball bat in a playground. But I digress.

I am writing this blog as a way to invite discourse on topics that I feel warrant conversation and to express my PERSONAL OPINION which is unique and exclusive. The views expressed in this blog are my own. I have always felt it is infinitely more entertaining to discuss things you dislike rather than the myriad of things you might sorta kinda maybe like. This is why my blog is about shit that I don’t like. And there is a shitload of shit that I don’t like so this blog is like the song that doesn’t end remixed by the Diddy All-Stars. CAN’T STOP WON’T STOP. TAKE THAT TAKE THAT.

For those of you who may not know me, I shall give you a brief description of me. I’m currently 24 years of age, New Yorker born and raised. I like women, drinking, eating good food and rock music. I'm an atheist. I'm a huge soccer and basketball fan. I dislike cheese and a myriad of other things which is why we are here. So let's get started.